Unfriendly Friend
Dear Siouxsie,
I feel like I’m always the bad guy in every situation in my friend group. It just always seems to fall on my shoulders, and at this point, I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong. The most recent fight between all of us was during a party, actually on New Year’s Eve, at my friend’s house, who I’ll call Friend A. My other friend, Friend B, had recently had a big breakup, and I get that, but she was being such a downer about it. She was being very quiet and sulking, and I asked her, “Why aren’t you talking or anything? This is supposed to be fun, and you’re really killing the mood. Is something wrong, or are you just trying to be rude?” It might have come off as a bit blunt, but I was super fed up with her actions that night, and the way she was being so weird and not participating at all. When I said that, she got really defensive and mean, and said, “God, you’re being so insensitive! When do you ever stop to think that the people around you might be unhappy?” Then she got up and left really quickly. After that, everyone was super angry at me, and my Friend A, whose party it was, refused to speak to me about it, and I ended up leaving early because everyone was just being super awkward. I ended up apologizing to my Friend B, but she didn’t respond to the text I sent that apologizes to her, and Friend A basically ignores me at school, even though we sit at the same table at lunch. I feel really bad that I said that, because even though I felt my words were correct, I know they’re hurtful, and now I just feel like an asshole. What should I do to repair my friendships and go back to how it was?
Sincerely,
Unfriendly Friend
Dear Unfriendly Friend,
Here’s the thing: if you start out by saying that “you feel like you’re always the bad guy” and that “somehow it always falls on your shoulders”, it should be pretty obvious that you’re probably no angel, either. When people tell me that they might be wrong, or I can see that they’re starting to see the error in their ways, it’s important to me that I’m not shoving them into the spotlight, and yelling, “Fuck you! See?! I was right all along!!” Yelling people into seeing the error in their ways never works, and never has any lasting impact. I want to be understanding in this response, and I want to show you the other side of the argument without shaming you into feeling guilty, but I have to be honest: I’m disappointed in you. I might be a little too blunt.
One thing that I think I’ll still be hammering into y’all’s heads is the fact that we are all struggling right now. If you aren’t struggling in any way, tell me your secrets. My therapist begs you. Earlier today, one of my teachers asked the class to name one good thing and one bad thing about the day, or the week. Every single fucking person had something they were struggling with, something that was bothering them, something they were hurting over. Even if it’s just a bad manicure, or not having a good hair day, everyone has something bothering them. So going out into the world and just exuding negativity in any way only serves to demean yourself and others. Again, not shaming you for what you did. You did what you did, and while that wasn’t the right decision, you can’t take back those words, you can only work from now.
Hurt people hurt people. Say it out loud so you get what I’m saying. When someone is hurting inside, they hurt other people to share that pain, burden someone else with what they’re struggling through. In some weird, sadistic way, seeing someone else struggling with what we are struggling through makes us feel better, bearing the load with someone else who doesn’t deserve it. But bullying other people into hurting alongside you doesn’t change the fact that you’re in pain, it just makes other people feel pain as well. Examine yourself before you hurt others. Why are you belittling someone else, your supposed friend, for being sad? She doesn’t seem to have been hurting anyone, and based on your Friend A’s reaction, and Friend B’s own reaction to your apology, your rudeness and “bluntness” were uncalled for. What internal source made you hurt someone else? Why are you hurting? Search inside before you demand others expose their deeper feelings to you.
At this point, asking, “So what could you have said instead?” is not helping anyone. Rehashing and overturning the past a million times over doesn’t do anything, not ever. Instead, plan ahead, and take this as a learning experience. Instead, ask yourself, “What should I be doing instead? What can I do next time?” When someone is clearly not present and having fun, it might not be pleasant for you to have a downer in your group, but instead put your own feelings to the side for a second: why are they hurting? Are they okay? Check in with your friends, y’all! When you ask someone how their day is, it just kinda scratches the surface level. Even just texting, “you doing okay?” can mean everything.
Speaking of texting, don’t be a dick by texting an apology! Take this chance to go up to Friend B in person, say, “Can I talk to you? You deserve an apology,” and privately tell her that you’re sorry. Take responsibility for your actions, and tell her how you feel, not how she should be feeling. By that I mean don’t start any sentence with, “I’m sorry you felt…” The worst sentence in the English language. Never ever say that. If you’re apologizing, you did something to make someone feel bad. That’s not their fault, and even if they’re overreacting, sometimes it’s important to tell someone you’re sorry they feel bad, even if you know that you’re right. In this situation however, it’s pretty obvious that she wasn’t really overreacting. Take responsibility.
So moving forward, it’s time to start growing. You said you’re always the one who ends up being the bad guy? Stop doing that. It’s a new year and the time for being negative and mean is so last year. Or at least, it should have been, a long time ago. Go into every interaction with an open mind and an open heart, and look to turn the conversation to one that’s supportive and positive, rather than negative or hurtful. One thing I’m trying to start doing is having conversations where everyone in the conversation gets an equal amount of speaking time, including myself. It’s definitely a process, but it’s definitely helped me have a lot more productive and fun conversations, because the conversation isn’t entirely focused on me, but it’s also not just everyone else speaking. I also try to focus on the other person/people in the conversation, and allow for a natural flow of conversation, while focusing on balance in the moment. Conversations are truly an art, and interacting with people is a lifelong skill that I hope to hone and grow into as I get older.
While I was writing this, I was trying to think of a good quote to pair with the words I’m trying to convey, so I can sound more intelligent and also just have more of a satisfying conclusion. The quote “That’s the thing about pain- it demands to be felt,” popped into my head. Pain does demand to be felt, whether physical, emotional, or mental, and when we’re in pain, it explodes out of us in other ways. I want you to be aware of this, Unfriendly Friend, when you look introspectively at your own emotions and mental state, because some kind of pain in you is demanding to be felt, and manifesting in being kind of an asshole. Stop doing that. I was shocked that this quote was so accurate, and rather self impressed that I remembered a quote, and so I looked it up, wanting to remember the author or book I’d vaguely recalled it from. Maybe some obscure book, or a random text I’d read for school, or maybe… even… something of my own creation?
Nope. It’s from The Fault in Our Stars. The sappy teen romance by John Green. It’s a good book, it’s just… You know.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie