Confused Family Member
Dear Siouxsie,
I would say happy holidays, but mine aren’t very happy. I live in New York, but this year my parents and I (I’m an only child) travelled to Alabama to see my cousins, aunts and uncles. Before COVID, things were already rocky, since my extended family is mostly pretty conservative, and has a lot of opinions my parents have always frowned on. They were Trump-supporters, but thank god saw what he was doing during the pandemic, and ended up not voting for him in 2020, though they didn’t vote Biden either, and skipped out entirely. I had hoped that this (however small) change would make them more tolerable and the experience wouldn’t be so stressful, but unfortunately it was really bad. I’m pretty liberal, I’m queer (but they don’t know that), and I like to express my opinions about BLM and other social justices I believe in, but I was willing to avoid politics, as my parents and I agreed upon before leaving. There was a general sense that everyone was keen to avoid politics when we arrived, which relieved me, but then everyone started to get a little lax. By night 2 of our 6 day stay, I was hearing hateful and fairly disgusting speech slipped into everyday conversation, and I started to get really stressed. My cousins, though very nice, say homophobic slurs like they’re nothing, and often joke about how “sensitive” everyone is these days, then make a wildly racist joke and laugh like it’s comedy gold. I was horrified, and quietly slipped out of the room they were in to go seek refuge in my parents, but they were stuck with my uncles, who at first I thought might be more reserved, but twenty minutes later, one made a disparaging remark about a Black football player (the TV was playing a game in the other room). My mom was appropriately shocked and said, “That’s crossing a line, please don’t refer to people in that way, especially not in front of the kids.” This started a yelling match. The next morning, things calmed down a little, but tensions were extremely high, and everyone’s muttering behind each other’s backs. We actually ended up flying home early, for COVID reasons and also because we were extremely sick of pretending we weren’t miserable. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with all of this now? We don’t have to see them anytime soon, but those people are related to me. What should I do??
Sincerely,
Confused Family Member
Dear Confused Family Member,
Happy Holidays, and now a happy new year to everyone, even if it’s hard. I’m sorry you’re struggling with these people. And I’m sorry that these people are your family. The holidays aren’t always a fun time, and I think many, many people can agree with you that this year was no different, if possibly worse. As a kid, I remember the holidays being magical. You get festive, fun outings, days off school, time with people you don’t usually get to see, and free presents! I do understand that this was just my experience, but I think many people can agree that being a kid during the holidays is usually pretty fun. Or some might not have had that. In truth, the holidays are very complicated, and it’s shitty that yours just got way more complicated, but let’s just agree: it’s not easy. It wasn’t ever going to be easy. And it sucks, but the best we can do is what we always do: make the best of the situation.
The holidays are a lot. Even for the little kids, it’s still a lot. Your family life might be complicated. You might be pretending to be someone you’re not, to avoid questions. You might not get as many presents as usual, or any presents at all. And like you, CFM, you might have shitty family members. There’s always at least one or two things that Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the New Year- hell, just December and January- bring with them, and those things are a pain in the fucking ass. This year is our second year of COVID during the winter season and it’s our first winter season with a new President, and I can imagine a lot has happened since many of y’all have last seen friends and family who are currently in your house or desperately texting you in hopes of “meeting up before the new year to exchange gifts + stories + … hugs?? Are you ok with that covid wise??? I’m getting my booster soon is that cool with you safety wise??????”
We’re all very stressed right now. I can tell you that much, CFM. I say all of this because I want you to know that the world isn’t necessarily happy right now, and that means a lot of things. It means you’re probably stressed for reasons other than your family. It means your parents probably aren’t the calmest either. It means that your family members are probably stressed. It means that health and safety are or should be priorities, and it can be hard to feel secure and healthy, even in your own home. We are all suffering. Not to be the most depressing post-Christmas-NYE-techically-New-Year’s-Day elf ever, but it’s hard right now. The good news is, we’re not alone. Because we’re a “we”, not singular, miserable beings. Even though you might not want to, those people who just ruined your Christmas (and definitely fuck them for that) aren’t happy either. They’re at their worst too. That doesn’t at all excuse the racism and general hate they’re exuding, but just understand them for a brief second, on a human, emotional level.
I hope all of you understand that this isn’t an easy time. Even if you’re having a lovely time right now, and I’m glad you are, I know that you’re probably still struggling. It’s okay. We all understand. But now that we’re all on the same page, I want to move past the depressing yet oh-so-imporant shit now. What can you do, you ask? Well, I think the first thing is acceptance. Accept that those people are always going to be related to you. Accept that they’re kind of shitty. Accept that there are certain unavoidable things in life, and shitty, post-Trump-y, Republican, racist joke-making assholes are out there. I’m sorry that they’re related to you. I truly am. But now that you know the situation is with them, let it go for a
second. You can’t necessarily control how they think, feel and act, but you can control your own involvement with them. It’s often unrealistic to expect what we do of our family and lives: we’re not perfect, and we can’t be. When you see people on Insta cuddling with family, or your neighbor brags about her weird son and creepy in-laws coming to stay in her gorgeous, expensive, perfectly decorated house, and they all look so perfect and cute: know that those people aren’t having perfect lives. Sometimes, those people really are having the perfect holiday, but they’ve definitely had holidays that were horrible. We all have, or will have one. Because life isn’t perfect, and buying more glittery Christmas trees at Homophobic Lobby won’t change that, Brenda. Put them back.
Your feelings are valid, and your own emotions are valid. Trust me. One thing that I do think you should definitely do is talk to your parents. Even if you already have. They probably know you’re confused and upset too, but having an open and honest conversation where all of your feelings are heard and they’re able to provide a space for you to share that is super important. It sounds like y’all were really able to come together in the face of a complicated adversity like this, and I really commend you for that. Come together in this time of difficulty. Don’t let it divide you. I also think one important thing to note is the concept of the chosen family. Chosen family is something that’s often credited as originating from the LGBTQIA+ Community, because sometimes your family doesn’t accept who you truly are. Whether you’re fruity or not, I think it’s important to think of your friends, however many or few there are, as a family. Talk to them, connect with them, and allow yourself to be your authentic self again, around people who love you for who you are, because you deserve acceptance, from family and friends.
CFM, I didn’t have an easy holiday either. I did have a really good time with many family members I missed terribly, and was so excited to see again, but there were also lows. I struggled to connect with a family member who I thought I liked, I heard of deep sadness from other sides of my family, I fought with people, I cried. You are, truly, not alone. It hasn’t been easy. But there is always, always some reason we all have to look back on and be grateful for. I saw people I loved. I was in a house that protected me. I made art. I watched movies with my family. I slept. Maybe I’m being too maudlin, but we live in a really strange world, and being in our own little world makes it hard sometimes to pull back and see a bigger picture. Gratitude directly combats anxiety, and when we think of things we’re grateful for, the brain releases dopamine and serotonin, two chemicals that make us feel good and boost our self-esteem, without hurting others.
It’s especially hard right now, for you and for many/all of us, to remind ourselves that we have much to be grateful for, but I challenge everyone to do it. It’s not hard. Just three things you’re happy and humbled to have in your life, at this moment. It might not change your life, but it’ll certainly make you feel at least a little better. Reach out. Talk to people. Connect. Embrace what you can, and cut away what you don’t want, need, or deserve. Buy yourself a donut or something. You survived it, and you might have to survive it again, but you’re strong enough, and I believe in you. You can do this.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!