Hurting Heart
Dear Siouxsie,
I really hate relationship drama, but somehow, I have so much of it. I’ve been single for around 2 years since my last girlfriend, and I was totally fine with that. But I started to really like this girl in my friend group, and she seemed to have feelings for me as well. I asked her out- or at least I thought I did. She said yes to my offer of seeing a movie together, and we even ended up getting food after. I thought this meant we had gone on a date, and a few of my friends thought we were actually dating. I was fully convinced we were on our way to dating, since we went on another “date” thing, and she actually met my parents. I was so happy, and I thought I was going to have a solid and great relationship with this girl. So it hurt a lot when she suddenly posted a picture of her kissing this guy on her insta, and put his name in her bio next to a lock emoji. I didn’t want it to be as painful as it actually was, but it was really awful to have her act like nothing was wrong the next day at school. It was hard also to have just started thinking about dating again and immediately getting shut down, even though I don’t want to take it too personally. I also think I still have feelings for her, but I really don’t want to, and I’d like to just get back to my life, or date someone else without feeling like I’m just dating a new girl to stop liking the other one. How do I get over someone who doesn’t like me, and how do I just fucking move on?
Sincerely,
Hurting Heart
Dear Hurting Heart,
It’s always kind of painful, or even extremely painful to feel used emotionally. Heartbreak, or hurt emotions, or whatever you want to call them- they all fucking suck, especially when you have your own life to live and your own shit to do. I can say in all honesty that this girl pulled what I call an “asshole move” on you. Yay!! We love a heartless girlboss. It’s cute and fun to go on dates, and it’s fine to decide that the person isn’t the one for you, but it’s just pain unkind to not even offer an explanation when you choose someone else. So you’re definitely not at fault here, unless you left out the part of the date where you were a dick to her. But I don’t think that’s what’s up. Even if you were a dick, she owes you an explanation.
So how do you stop feeling something for someone who has hurt you like that? The easiest thing is to say just don’t. It’s also the stupidest. We can’t help liking who we like, but sometimes those people don’t like us back. It’s shitty. I know. Her backstabbing move wasn’t pleasant at all, but I do think it gives you a silver lining here in knowing that even if she did like you back, she was capable and willing to do something like that to somebody. If the person you care for is willing to hurt others to get what they want, then you might not want to be with them. Her actions are speaking loud and clear about what she chooses to do with her life, and I would honestly feel that you dodged a bullet, as this girl doesn’t seem to know that many boundaries. It’s cliché, but you’re better off without the girl who toys around with people’s feelings so she can get what she wants.
It’s hard to see that person every day, but it will get easier, as you will probably also have a decent life without her. It’s never impossible to take a little step back from someone, and even if it seems like she’s always around, take time for yourself, and focus on the other people around you. When you make a conscious effort to put more work into closer friendships, and more work into yourself and your own life, people notice, and while their reactions are sometimes justified, their reactions also don’t mean jack shit to you. I often hear about all these people feeling uncomfortable with the idea of having a smaller friend circle, or making decisions about who they choose to spend more time with. They feel the need to justify their own life decisions, and spend a lot of energy on explaining, to themselves and others, why they’re doing what they’re doing. Here’s the thing though- you don’t need to justify that. You can offer an explanation, but you don’t need to justify mental health, physical wellbeing, or happiness in order to have a better life. I will repeat: offer explanations, but don’t feel the need to constantly justify basic needs.
Quick sidebar on mental health, because I’ve been hearing a lot of people struggling with it. You yourself, Hurting Heart, should listen to what I’m telling you because there is no better time than now. I hear a lot of talk about self care, but what people don’t realize is that self care shouldn’t be called self care (sorry I say ‘self care’ so many times. Play a terrible drinking game and take a shot every time I say it! Just kidding. Shots of water, please). Self care is just basic human needs. We ultimately are forced to prioritize work, school, money, literally everything, over being stable and balanced. People who work themselves nearly to death are often praised- it’s literally a compliment to call someone “hard-working”- and if they do gain (monetary) success, they often encourage hard work and discipline as a way of getting to the top. When you read people talking of their success or gain, they usually don’t start by saying, “I always took care of myself, and made sure that my work never eclipsed the rest of my life.” The word “constant” is used a lot. Constant pressure. Constantly striving. Constant whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-it. In a capitalistic world where we’re encouraged to sacrifice it all to win big, and life is all about gain, the words balance, flow, calm, and human error are often lost, and the meanings are lost too. Take a second to define what that means to you, and how your self-destructive patterns start to take over.
Listen to what your body is telling you- if you’re tired all the time, you wonder why you have a headache for most of the day, or you constantly have some kind of physical issue, whether serious or not, it’s probably a sign that you’re pushing yourself too hard. Don’t wait until you’re practically falling apart to start taking care of yourself- even if you’re doing really well, it’s still a great time to make sure you’re as stable and healthy as possible, in all senses of those two words. If your phone is at 90%, there’s nothing wrong with charging it to 100%, you know? Unless you’re hurting yourself or others, you have every right to fulfill your needs.
Okay, okay, my rant is over. I do apologize, but I also feel that I needed to beat that into y’all a little. Back to our regularly scheduled content: Hurting Heart, your life doesn’t revolve around your relationships, and while I’m not saying you’re doing this, you’re still in danger of it. You’re more than this one girl not wanting you, and it’s honestly not a reflection of you in that she doesn’t want to date you. If anything, it’s really just her problems impacting your life, and that’s unfortunate, but it’s not your fault, and you can’t control what she does. Letting go is a difficult process, so be understanding with yourself, and continue to remind yourself that it’s best to accept that she’s made some pretty mean decisions on her own, and now it’s time for you to split off onto different roads. She might still be someone you want, someone you wish you could still date, but she’s chosen otherwise, and now you have to as well. One of my favorite shows is Sex Education, and there’s definitely a lot of relationship wisdom there. “You can't choose who you're attracted to. You can't engineer a relationship.” That’s what the main character, Otis, says, when talking to a heartsick fellow teenager. I think the best you can do is understand that you really can’t engineer any relationship to go the way you want it to, especially this one. Take care of yourself, and your heart will stop hurting, I promise. Give it time.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!