Uncomfortable With Entitlement
Dear Siouxsie,
I have a friend that I see a lot at school, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but every time I hang out with him (in or out of school), he’s really negative about everything, which I get really uncomfortable with. It’s not that he’s a bad guy, it’s just that he’ll often complain about things that I consider huge privileges. For example, the other day we were talking about what we were doing over the holidays, and he said, “I like Christmas, but I always get shitty gifts, and we never do anything cool. Before the pandemic all we did was go to New York or whatever.” As someone who’s never travelled to New York just for winter break, and got a smaller gift last year because my parents were struggling financially, it made me really uncomfortable that he was complaining about such a luxury. He’s really funny, and I do enjoy spending time with him, but he makes a lot of these casual jokes or comments that I just find ignorant. I’ve tried to bring up the fact that he’s still doing something really cool, and that I personally would be super grateful to do what he’s complaining about, but he just kind of brushes it off. How do I retain my friendship, but also how do I deal with this kind of privilege?
Sincerely,
Uncomfortable With Entitlement
Dear Uncomfortable With Entitlement,
If you live in an urban city (and especially in LA, where I live), it’s really common to see or hear people being blatant assholes about their privileges as rich people. It’s not very hard to distinguish when someone is entitled but doesn’t wear it like they need everyone to know it, and it’s also not very hard to see when someone is embarrassed of their own wealth. I’d like to establish that I myself am entitled, but I want to also say that I’m extremely mindful of the fact that I am able to experience many things most of the world isn’t privileged enough to do as well. This platform, in and of itself, is a privilege. But what your friend here is doing is a lot simpler than just recognizing his own privilege.
There are many ways in which people are privileged, and often, we don’t recognize them until they directly impact us. Basic things like running water, clothes, and even clean air are things we take for granted every day, and beyond that, the intersectionality of race, gender, ability, sexuality, etc. only complicate it further. But I’m not here to digitally over-explain how being alive in the 21st century works. When I talk about all of this, I want to acknowledge the fact that we each have our own different experiences, and it’s really important to be kind to the people around you by respecting those experiences. Most importantly, it’s incredibly valuable to use your own privileges to help others, and uplift their voices.
I live in LA, a place almost overpopulated by entitled, rich, and mostly white people. I can’t deny that fact. In fact, at my own school I hear absurd stories of privilege being casually mentioned. A few years ago, I was trick-or-treating with a bunch of people from my school, and we were, somehow, chatting about places we’ve travelled to. Now, this conversation is already privileged: many don’t even get to leave the country within their lifetime. So we were in dangerous waters already. I mentioned that my family and I had stayed in an Airbnb on an overseas trip that past year, and how nice the apartment had been, and another girl immediately jumped in. “Ugh, Airbnbs are so gross and dirty. The only ones we stay in are the ones in New Zealand or Australia.”
What a kind, fun, and thoughtful comment. You know, it’s people like her that make me so grateful to be alive. Why, she just perfectly stated what I was thinking! Oh, and by the way, this is the same girl who posts on her Insta stories about going on a private jet. Anyways. Aside from my petty comments, I’m still really uncomfortable with this girl, unsurprisingly. People who aren’t aware of their own privilege are annoying, but people who actively ignore it are insufferable.
I’m sure this guy is fun to hang around, but I really don’t think it’s up to you to change this guy’s mind about his own ideology and how much peacocking he’s doing. You can definitely bring it up with him, and it seems like you’ve already tried, but if he’s not willing to change he’s not willing to change. You’re not responsible for making him an entirely different or better person, though you can try. It’s not up to you. There’s no need to be around someone who makes you feel like you’re constantly in danger of being made really uncomfortable. I’m 100% sure that there’s many other people at your school or in your life who’re a lot more fun to be around, and you should definitely be spending more time with them, rather than this dude. If he asks you why you’re not hanging out with him, give him the honest answer. Whether or not he’s going to actually listen to it, it’s more so that you can have the comfort of knowing that your feelings were expressed, and you don’t have to continue to feel uncomfortable. Do it for yourself.
Gratitude is heavily underrated. I really, really hate the fact that all my therapist (and that stupid Instagram infographic) tells me repeatedly that gratitude will greatly improve your mindset. It’s very true. I am not a hippie-dippy type of girl, but I’ve fallen into the annoyingly helpful habit of lighting incense and reflecting on what I’m grateful for every night. I can’t meditate for shit, but I take the time to think of 3 different things I’m grateful for and focus on the smell of the gently burning incense. Some nights I’m thankful for my friends, others it’s my family, or sometimes it’s simpler than that. I’m grateful that I have a home I look forward to coming back to every night. I’m grateful that I’m able to have the luxury of even focusing on the good, because some people are unable to do anything but focus on the bad. I love my friends, but sometimes hearing a lot of complaining just puts you in a bad mood. I don’t think I have to list every single one of the benefits of gratitude, but doing this 2 minute little thing every night has really, really helped improve my mindset.
Reaching for gratitude rather than anger, resentment, annoyance or complaining is something I’m working hard to do, and I think we should all strive to do the same. Yes, some days I bitch about my teachers for twenty minutes while I eat cookies and stomp around my kitchen, but at the end of the day, the lasting effect of kindness and gratitude will outlive the anger expelled into the world. When people recognize your gratitude to be where you are, even if where you are is a difficult spot, they see someone to look up to. One of my favorite people to be around at my school is a girl who I’ll call Rosie, and she’s the ultimate example of this. She’s constantly happy to see me, even though we see each other every day, and she always fills her conversation with appreciation for the tools she has, and the people around her, rather than being resentful of the people or obstacles that have challenged her.
Rosie constantly reminds me that striving for gratitude creates a mindset that helps you, rather than hinders you, and while I often really struggle to be like her and sometimes feel bogged down by her positivity, she understands that the good days come with the bad. You just have to be able to expect and overcome the bad ones, without waiting for them to happen. We should all be taking a note from Rosie and striving for gratitude, with understanding of challenges and advantages, rather than complaining about the privileges you have, like your friend, Uncomfortable With Entitlement. Open up to the positive energy, and work to deflect the bad, because when you become a sponge for negativity along with the positivity, you yourself become overwhelmed. Allow yourself to be on the shitshow of a rollercoaster that is being alive, while understanding that you have the power to change how you experience the world. (Sorry if this got too earthy-crunchy fuzzy-feelings for you, but suck it up. You’re the one who’s still reading this, and I’m the one who’s writing it.)
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain.