Fearful
Dear Siouxsie,
I know that as a girl/femme-presenting person, you’ll understand at least part of what I’m going through: I’m scared to be alone in public. I’m fifteen, and nonbinary, but often present femme, and many people assume I’m a girl (for context). Last week, I was walking down a street, on my way home, and a man started following me. I didn’t notice for a second, but he kept getting closer and closer, and I got so scared that I just started walking faster. He sped up too, which really freaked me out, and finally when I got to my house I started running, ran inside, and locked the door. It was terrifying, even though he didn’t follow further, and the experience left me really shaken. I’m now scared to walk alone, in my neighborhood or anywhere else, and the possibility of a negative interaction/assault haunts me. I’ve always been scared, but now, leaving the house alone or being alone in public is not an option. I don’t want to be controlled by fear, I don’t want to have to hide who I truly am, and I don’t want to spend my whole life like this. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Fearful
Dear Fearful,
My grandmother and I were talking one day, and I’m not even sure what exactly we were talking about, but she asked me, “Do you… have you ever felt unwanted, male attention before?” The way she said it made me a little sad. It was as though she hoped that it was a question she’d never have to ask, a hope for a time when I go about the public world without a constant, grinding fear of eyes, muttered comments, or far worse. But at that moment, I looked at her with confused eyes. “I’m a young woman in an urban city. Of course I have,” I answered, and she nodded silently.
This topic hits hard for me. If you’ve ever experienced anything like what our friend Fearful has here, or if you’ve ever felt afraid like they have, you understand at least a fraction of what it’s like. I’m so sorry you feel so scared, and if it’s any help, you are entirely not alone. That statement, after rereading it, is both heartwarming and depressing. I can list off statistics about women and femme-presenting people experiencing the full range of fucking horrible behavior, but it’s not helping anyone: the truth is, the world can be scary. And I’m not here to tell people the ultimate solution, because there are many ways to combat this, but I’m saying that this is a horribly common occurrence.
So what can you, Fearful, do so that you aren’t so fearful? I think the key thing to do is talk to those around you, and start by talking to someone who will understand. Mothers, aunts, sisters, siblings, parents, fellow (probably) non-male folks who are sure to understand. Seek solace in those who will offer a safe space, because it’s important that you have people to turn to when you feel fear. Sharing your story, however difficult, will create a place and person for you to feel a connection with. Experiences like these are isolating and terrifying, and it’s good to recognize that you’re never alone, even if it feels like you are.
I would share my own stories or stories I’ve heard of people experiencing similar unwanted male attention, but I don’t know how helpful that will be. You said you didn’t want to be governed by fear, and I think that’s incredibly admirable. Your bravery in this situation- and yes, you are truly brave- is incredible. So instead, I think I should tell you some resources and techniques for safety, that will help everyone who’s searching these words for some kind of help.
If you can, I would highly recommend taking a self-defense class at a local place. I recently took a few classes, and everyone else who was in the class agreed that even if they weren’t attacked, the security of knowing what to do, and the connection of learning to feel empowered together is amazing. Research which organizations in your area offer free or low cost classes on self-defense, and trust me, even if you’re terribly unathletic, they will help you. While having pepper spray or some kind of self-defense item can help, it’s the security of knowing that your four limbs and voice are enough to protect yourself that will make you feel more confident.
If you do feel scared walking, know that most predators and assailants are looking for an easy target. If you appear fearful, or frail, or shrink away from them, they’ll see someone who won’t put up a fight, and even if you’re terrified, project confidence. If they get too close, you have every right to turn around and say loudly, “Can you please cross the street?” If they say something gross, continue to get louder, and demand they turn and walk away. Threaten to scream, call for help, record them with your phone, whatever it takes to make them fuck off. If you’re scared of yelling “Back off fucker!” at some random dude, it’s worse to instead get hurt, and if the dude is nice, he’ll apologize and back off, and respect your boundaries. The woman who instructed us in self-defense said, “Disrupt the pattern.” The potential assailant is expecting a certain list of events, a list of things that will happen in order for them to get what they want. If you disrupt that list, and send his (it’s usually a man) plans into chaos, he’ll probably get scared, or think he’ll get in trouble, and back off.
Remember: it’s never your fault. That bullshit about “asking for it”, or short hemlines, or looking too sexy doesn’t change anything for the better- assaulters will hurt people regardless of how they look. Stop policing our bodies, and stop telling victims it was their fault they got hurt. Fearful, it has nothing to do with you yourself: the act of terrorizing or harassing someone is about power, controlling others, and feeling powerful over people who are afraid. You were followed because a horrible man chose you at random to be his victim, and it’s terrible, but it isn’t your fault. He chose you because he needed a target, notbecause you were special to him in any way. All of these sexual harassments aren’t about sex or sensuality, it’s about the assaulter feeling powerful, which is incredibly fucked up. Again: it’s not your fault, and you can do something. You are powerful, even though it might not feel that way.
A note for the males, or the masc-presenting friends reading this: cross the street. If you see someone who looks scared, don’t walk up to them. Saying, “I want to help you!” will only make us feel more terrified. If someone thinks you’re following them, cross the street, or turn onto another street. Give distance, and don’t approach, because even if you have good intentions, the person who’s scared of you doesn’t know that, and trying to convince them that you’re nice and don’t want to dismember them isn’t going to work.
I want to end this on a positive note, even though it’s hard. It’s terrifying to have experiences like this, and odds are, it won’t be the last, but don’t let your fear be what drives you. Take action to find methods of protecting yourself, and make good decisions. For example, walk with friends, don’t get in an Uber alone, know how to call when you feel unsafe. Always have a backup phone number to call if you need a ride or someone to call when you feel unsafe or lonely. Be aware of your surroundings, and if you feel unsafe, take action. You are not powerless, and you have the ability to educate yourself and take steps to ensure that if you’re feeling unsafe, you have backup. It’s infuriating that we still have to feel like this, but the first thing to do is make sure you’re protected. As always, you aren’t alone, and it’s scary to be vulnerable, but it can lead to important connections with other humans. We’re not all a bad group, but there are definitely some psychopaths out there.
Remember: you are more than your fear, and you are not alone in this world.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P..S. If you or someone you know has been assaulted, please call 1-800-656-4673 for the National Sexual Assault hotline or 800-656-4673 for RAINN, or visit rainn.org. Help is available 24/7, and there is always someone ready to listen to you.
P.P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain.