Scarlet- Lettered
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m a seventeen-year-old girl, and I’ve been in a relationship with my seventeen-year-old boyfriend for around 8 months now. We don’t really discuss our sexual/physical relationship with our friends, but I think they knew we were somewhat sexually active. Our relationship and our sexual activities have, like I said, never been a topic of discussion before, but last week I was hanging out with a few of my friends, and they kept whispering to each other when I wasn’t looking, which was bothering me. I asked them what they were talking about several times, before one of my friends finally said that my boyfriend told someone else in our friend group about how I lost my virginity to him, in detail. I was shocked. I asked only a few questions, but they were being super vague, and I was so uncomfortable that I left soon after.
It goes without saying that I’m miserable. I personally have nothing wrong with talking about sexual experiences, and if they’d asked me about the experience in question, I probably would have told them a few things about it. But that’s not what bothers me. What hurts the most is that my boyfriend, who I trusted, and have a lot of love for, told someone else about a very personal moment without my knowledge. I haven’t talked to him yet, and he keeps trying to call me, but I just ignore it, because I don’t even know what I’d say. I’m so angry at him, but I also feel so embarrassed and ashamed, even though I know I have no reason to. I want to be free and open about my sexual experiences, but I also feel so violated, because my boyfriend chose to share a story that involved both of us, and he acted like he was the only one in the story.
I think I want to confront him, but I’m so anxious about it, and I really just want to run away from the entire situation, but I know I can’t. What can I do to reclaim my own feelings and stop being so ashamed of an experience I actually really enjoyed?
Sincerely,
Scarlet-Lettered
Dear Scarlet-Lettered,
I just want to start by saying that I think your response to all of this is extremely understandable, and the eloquent way that you’re expressing your feelings is mature and collected. You aren’t overreacting, you aren’t being irrational- someone betrayed your trust on a personal matter, and I’m truly so sorry. I think we often have such an aversion or strong reaction to any kind of “wronged woman” story, as People or Us Weekly like to publicize. I could go into some long tailspin of nepotism, not-so-long-ago monarchy and oligopoly in the modern social climate, and how the structure of Christianity in the basis of many of our western cultural norms creates an unjust playing field, but I’m not going to do that. That’s a deeper issue, and yes, it’s really important, but no, that’s not necessarily the case here. You shouldn’t feel shame about losing your virginity. I just don’t think that sex and shame should go hand in hand. Just because that experience was private doesn’t mean it should be something to feel humiliation or guilt about. You said it was a good experience, and let’s keep it that way.
Let me repeat: you aren’t in the wrong here. However, your boyfriend is. He had the choice to make: talk or don’t. He chose to share something personal, something that you also took part in, something that shouldn’t be thrown around without necessary respect for the other person. In simple terms, your boyfriend did what I call an asshole decision. He should be apologetic and feel bad. You’re absolutely right- this is about trust. This is also absolutely about your relationship. I know that you said you have no idea how you should continue from here, but let’s start where we always start: with you. What do you actually feel? Confused? Hurt? Angry? Write down exactly what you feel, what you think, what you know. Then, when communicating your feelings, you can feel confident and sure of how you’re doing internally. You deserve time to sort yourself out, SL. I wouldn’t languish over this for weeks, but you deserve time to take yourself into account. Check in internally, and go easy on yourself. It’s not easy.
Now that you have some sense of where you’re at, think about what you want. Do you want to stay with your boyfriend? Is this a dealbreaker? Right now, it’s not necessarily about what he wants, because you’re the one who was hurt here, so just think about all of this. Allow yourself to be open to new ideas, or new paths, whatever that means to you. If you think you want to reconcile with him, then make a commitment to that idea. It sounds like you two have a good connection, but this good connection is now damaged by his hands. Ask him to sit down and talk face-to-face, and tell him exactly what you feel, and what you need. Don’t compromise your own feelings and emotions, but listen and be open to him as well. Like I said last week, conversations of growth are hard, especially at this stage in life. Be willing to change, but know when to hold fast and state what exactly you want and need. If he’s not being respectful and listening to your needs, then you need to make it very clear that he needs to. Again: don’t compromise yourself. It’s going to be hard, whatever choice you make, but rebuilding up a pillar of your relationship, trust, is very tough. Go slow, and know that there will be good days and bad.
If you decide that you want to break up with him, then you owe him only a simple last word. Tell him what you feel, and don’t feel the need to apologize or feel sorry. You call yourself Scarlet-Lettered (how’s AP English going?), but don’t consider yourself to be Hester, the wronged woman. You’re more than that. “She had not known the weight until she had felt the freedom.” He might try and beg for forgiveness, apologize a thousand times, but if you’ve made this decision, stick by it. This man hurt you deeply, and that should be reason enough. End of story.
So either decision you make, you’re probably not doing well mentally. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Reach out to friends who you know will support you, talk to family who can sympathize or offer care. It’s important that you feel comforted by others around you, others who can show you trust and love, because that’s really important. You might have gotten your trust betrayed by one person, but know that trust is possible in other relationships, romantic or otherwise. You deserve love, you deserve trust, and you deserve better, in every sense. Be opportunistic for newer, better futures, with or without your boyfriend.
Instead of thinking of the wronged woman in The Scarlet Letter, think of The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. The book is a reclamation of the story of The Odyssey, of seemingly weak women and murdered “whores”. The original Odyssey shows Odysseus’ wife Penelope as the ultimate faithful wife, in tears for most of the book as she weakly sobs at every turn and pines uselessly for her husband, who’s off having sex with random women on paradisiacal islands. But in The Penelopiad, Atwood reclaims this story, showing a wife forced to bow under misogyny and the power of her famous husband, who she knows is a liar, and, often, a cheat. You don’t need to be either of these women, but don’t think of yourself as Hester. Penelope had no control over her powerlessness, and no control over her problematic marriage. She pined for better, and you should too.
It might seem like I’m aggressively pointing you in the direction of breaking up with your boyfriend, and maybe I am, but I’m putting it in your hands. Penelope died without being able to fulfill what she truly wanted, and died after being forced to lie and wait in the half-shadows as the “dilligent wife”. You’re not married, and you’re not in Ancient Greece. Do what you know is right. Do what is right, not what is easy, and do what’s best for you. From The Penelopiad: “Water does not resist. Water flows. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.” You’re seventeen. You have time. You have the future. Do what you want with it, but I think that you should just do what makes you happy. It’ll work itself out, I promise.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!