Sad Sister
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m a thirteen-year-old girl, and I have a sixteen-year-old sister, and an eleven-year-old brother, so you can imagine how packed my house is. I’m generally pretty happy at home, because my parents are super caring and nice, but recently I’ve been getting in a lot of fights with my sister. She has a girlfriend and spends all of her time going on dates or going to parties, and we used to be friends and close, but now she kind of just ignores me. I met her girlfriend, and she’s really nice, so I get why my sister would want to hang out with her over me, but every time I want to hang out, my sister just says that she’s with her girlfriend, and she’s too busy to play with me. I’m not a little kid, I know that it’s important to be with your significant other, but I feel like she’s just abandoning me, and it feels childish to say things like “I miss hanging out with you” because she has her own life. How do I tell her that I feel like this? I don’t want to sound like a baby, but it’s like we’re not even living in the same house.
Sincerely,
Sad Sister
Dear Sad Sister,
Oh the joys of being thirteen. I’m sorry you have to go through this weird period, SS. It’s weird to watch someone you thought you knew grow up before you, but trust me: this won’t be forever. A three year difference is small in the long-term, but it makes a difference right now. As a teenager myself, I know what it’s like to be growing up faster than you realize, and seeing those around you grow in leaps and bounds ahead of you can be weird, and I can’t imagine how weird that is for you. It’s a temporary thing, however, because time moves ahead, and people break up and get back together and you have relationships and you fight again and you get acne and you’re angry at the world and you break up again and then you’re not sixteen anymore.
It’s weird.
Because I’m sure you’re all-too familiar with what it’s like to be thirteen, I want to give you a little glimpse into what it’s like being sixteen, because although your sister neglected to tell you what’s happening in her life. She’s probably obsessed with her relationship, and I love that you’re being super kind about it, because yeah, it’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to have someone else value you, and that’s fun. So she’s probably really into her girlfriend, and she’s probably spending every moment she can making out with her. Sorry for that description, but people in relationships usually do like to kiss. A lot.
Anyways, your sister is doing new and exciting things. She’s probably thinking about college. She’s probably stressed about school. She’s probably gossiping with her friends. She’s probably also constantly thinking about being sixteen. It’s odd, knowing that you’ll (depending on your situation) be in college in a few years, living in a new place, starting a new life. It’s very, very confusing for a lot of folks. And I don’t know what her high school experience is, but it’s never entirely easy and nice, because being alive isn’t a straight line into success. Understand that she’s probably going through something, and she might not be sharing exactly what she’s going through, but she’s definitely going through something.
So I think that’s where the bulk of this situation is: your sister’s not being as transparent as she was when you were younger. Like I said, she’s getting older, and that small age difference has a bigger effect right now. It’s not easy. I say all of this with the confidence of someone who doesn’t have a sibling, but when someone starts growing away from you, it’s hard to not try and grab onto the person who’s slipping away from you. I don’t blame you for feeling left behind or ignored, because she’s probably thinking the same thing. She probably doesn’t have any malintentions, but I still think that it’s important to understand that she’s growing apart from you, and while it might feel like she’s never going to be close to you ever again, she’s always going to be your sister. And even if you’re in a vicious fight, and don’t speak for years, you will always be sisters. And there is always an opportunity to come back together and heal, no matter the time, place or circumstances.
The best way to start all of this is to talk to your sister. Even if she tries to avoid you, stress the importance of talking in your room, or in a shared space in the house or outside where you can sit face-to-face and speak from your own personal feelings and emotions. Before talking, it might be helpful to write down exactly what you’re feeling, and get all of your thoughts down on a page, so that you can sort through what’s going on in your brain. It’s good to just rant to something (or someone, if you want to talk to another person) that doesn’t judge you, and you can write as much hateful and angry shit as you want, or the saddest, most self-pitying things you can possibly imagine.
The point is, you want to kind of excommunicate all of these raw feelings onto a page so that you can start fresh and gather ideas and thoughts that will help you understand what you want to tell your sister. Once you’re done dumping words onto a page and have sorted yourself into a list of calm, more collected thoughts, you can have a helpful conversation with your sister.
Go into the conversation with an open mind and an open heart. Allowing yourself to be wrong and changing your mind are two things that we all need to be better at. It’s of course important to know when to stand up for yourself, but be willing to challenge your own ideas and opinions. Your sister might tell you things you don’t want to hear. She might say something that hurts you. She might surprise you. Prepare yourself to hear things you don’t want to hear, and prepare yourself to push down anger and instead reach for constructive criticism and support. Try and put yourself into her shoes. You deserve a lot, and your feelings are totally valid here, but try and see her side before defending yourself. Don’t sacrifice what you can’t lose.
If it doesn’t go well, like I said, don’t see this as the end. Be kind to yourself and understand that this might be a difficult period. But as much as I hate to remind you (and myself) of this, she’s leaving soon. College isn’t the end, but she won’t be living under the same roof as you, and that means a physical distance. If nothing else, tell her simply that you just want to make sure that you two can remain connected while she’s in college (if that’s what you want, which I think it is). If someone said that to me I would start crying, because I’m an emotional bitch and also because it’s all I can think about some days. I’m not suggesting this to force you to make your sister cry, but I am suggesting this because she might not realize that you, too, are thinking the exact same thing she is. Because I guarantee she’s been thinking the same thing recently.
But let’s be optimistic, because sometimes we have to do that: if it goes well, she’ll see where you’re coming from, and she’ll listen to you and all that. I have faith in you and your sister, and if you’re nervous, good. It means you care about your sister, and your friendship with her. Be kind, be clear, and show your good intentions to her, and it will go well. Move forward with that same energy, and know that it might be a rocky road, but it will work out in the end.
It’s not easy to grow up, and it’s not easy to grow apart. I can see how hard it must be for you to see someone you’ve been best friends with all your life appear to move past you, but don’t think of it like that. “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.” bell hooks. Keep all of these important things in mind as you do all of this, and ask yourself the following questions as you make these important decisions. What are you doing that’s caring? Are you making a commitment, or making hasty decisions? Are you learning and growing with new knowledge? What are you taking responsibility for, and what are you asking of the other person? Are you showing respect for the other person? And finally, who or what are you putting your trust into?
I think you and I both know that the answer to the final question (at least, right now) is and has always been your intuition, because you are always more powerful than you think you are. Don’t underestimate the power of your love.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!