Seething Single
Dear Siouxsie,
I know it’s a little early to get bitter about Valentine’s Day, but I’m bitter about Valentine’s Day. It’s not that I’m the only one in my friend group without a significant other, because many people in my friend group are single, and it’s not that I’m insecure and feel the desperate need to have a significant other, but I’m just dreading it. I’m sick of people being obsessed with their relationships, I’m sick of people talking constantly about the supposed “love of their life”, and I’m really, really not excited to open my instagram home page to a thousand pictures of people practically making out. I’m not excited about it. To be fair, I do think that some of this comes from this internal desire to have someone do all of those things with me, but more so than that I’m just not in the mood to have people shove their relationships down my throat. How do I not become a raging bitch on Valentine’s Day, or the days leading up to it?
Sincerely,
Seething Single
Dear Seething Single,
Let me be the first to say: being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t really that fun. Goop may tell you this is the perfect time to shove that jade egg up your vagina, and Poosh might remind you to add that biodegradable vibrator to cart with discount code SINGLENLOVINGIT, but it still just isn’t the best day. By this time of the year, companies are clambering for you to spend your money, and don’t get me wrong: I love shopping, but turning what’s supposed to be a cute holiday into Capitalism-Fest 2022 is just kind of… weird.
If you’re in a happy relationship, this response is gonna sound really bitter. If you’re in a not-so happy relationship, this response is going to make you want to ditch your significant other and burn down a bank with their face on it. If you’re single and loving it, you’ll probably regret reading this response. I’m not writing any of this to shit on relationships, because good relationships are fulfilling, and can deeply improve your life, but those of us who aren’t in one can be a little grumpy. Whoever you are, whatever relationship status you are, this week’s response is messy and a little angry, but I just want to give you a head's up now, so that you can leave while you still can.
If you’re still reading, let’s fucking go.
Let me tell you, Seething Single, that I will be the first to ban the Instagram function of shared or dual posting, where two people can post the same picture. There is a singular reason behind this: gross couples’ posts. There are cute couples posts, with sweet captions, kind messages, beautiful pictures, and heartfelt meaning. Then there are couples’ posts that make you want to rip out your own left kidney with a pair of bolt cutters. I’m talking generic captions, sometimes even fucking nasty hashtags, blatant french kissing, terrible filters, and the absolute cringiest pair of matching usernames you’ve ever seen in your life. You know them, you hate them, you stalk the couples’ instagrams until they have a public breakup and then you feel a deep relief when the respective ex’s go back to posting thirst traps. So yes, I do really understand your hatred. It isn’t fun to see all of these people sucking face, but let this cathartic passage of my own hatred sooth your grouchies. Anyways.
To me, there are two ways you can spend this Valentine’s Day: you can use it as an excuse or justification to do something cute, or you can just treat it like any other day. Either choice is totally valid, but it’s up to you to make this decision. There’s really no reason for Valentine’s Day, but because it’s been foisted on us, let’s lay the pieces out in front of us.
Firstly: you can do something fun and cute, which doesn’t have to be a Valentine’s thing. Ask some of your friends if they want to hang out, or get food, or do something fun. Even if it’s just one other person, chances are, they’ll feel really valued and have a good time with you. Isn’t that exactly what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be? It doesn’t have to be romantic to be a time to show someone else your love. Think of something fun to do the day before, or the day of.
The other thing you can do is just completely ignore it. I mean, it’s hard to ignore it when everyone’s focused on it, but for you it doesn’t have to be a big thing. Just treat it like any other day, sidestep the people who’re obsessing over it, and do your own thing. Wear something hot. Drink a latte. It might be a slightly annoying day (and that’s true any way you decide to do it), but you’re not gonna die. You might get some free candy. Just remind yourself that you’re hot, you’re valued, and you don’t owe anyone shit.
I’m not trying to ruin relationships for everyone reading this, but I am trying to diminish the importance of feeling valued only for being a significant other. Relationships are amazing, but they shouldn’t be the focal point of your life. I realized a lot of this during quarantine, where I was unable to have any sort of romantic relationship, and spent too long analyzing my own feelings. After this extended period of being single, I felt confident and mentally strong enough to start thinking about dating, last summer. I texted a guy who I’d liked for a while, and asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. He said yes, and we went on a bunch of dates, all of them very flirty. I was sure he liked me, and I was sure that there was some kind of chemistry, but then I started wondering why he hadn’t kissed me yet. And why, every time I tried to get a little more personal and would stand close to him when we were saying goodbye, he backed away, and quickly left. It didn’t give me a good feeling.
So I decided to go for it and ask him if he actually liked me.
Depressingly, and knowingly, I looked down at the long paragraph he’d sent me saying that he just didn’t think of me that way, and that he still thought I was really great, and that we should keep hanging out. Yeah, fucking right. He led me on, and I was furious with myself that I had continued to play his game for as long as I did, because I really should have known after he didn’t kiss me on the first date. Thus, my great return to dating took a downturn sharper than the 2008 economic crisis. I’m not trying to turn you off from dating, I’m just saying that dating can be casual. Putting pressure on yourself in literally any sense about relationships is often useless, because if you were desperate for a relationship and then suddenly got one, you probably wouldn’t be happy. Relationships born of desperation aren’t ones that last, so save yourself the trouble.
But it doesn’t sound like you’re desperate for a relationship, and I respect that. It’s important to remember that you’re extremely important and valuable as a person, with or without a significant other. This entire situation can be a good reminder to just take care of yourself, internally and externally. Someone once said to me that they were “cleaning out the room inside their brain,” which I love. If your mind is your home for the rest of your life, it’s good to keep it clean, organized, and refreshed. Sometimes when you have a mental breakdown you rigorously clean your room after crying for two hours (c’mon, it’s not just me), and maybe now is a good time to clean and reorganize the inside of your brain. Be kind to yourself and others. As a wise woman once said, “I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way.”
Sincerely,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!