Undefined
Dear Siouxsie,
Everyone I know seems to have a “thing”- one friend is really into fashion, another friend is great at photography, and another friend is obsessed with music. But I don’t know who I am, or what my “thing” is. I know I’m just a teenager, and I’m supposed to be trying different things, but I just feel like I’m not anything. When people ask me what I want to do in college, or with the rest of my life, I can’t honestly answer them. How do I know what my thing is?
Sincerely,
Undefined
Dear Undefined,
Okay, you’re officially one of the few people who’s been able to hit the nail on the head in terms of expectations for teenagers, and young adults in general. Who the fuck are we supposed to be? And what are we defined by, as you put it? It’s a question that I feel like we as teenagers, and sometimes as adults and beyond, are trying to answer. We’re asked a lot what we’re into, like movies or music or art, and we’re expected to be able to answer, and I can’t honestly answer this question in a short paragraph. It’s not an easy one to answer.
Which is why it’s kind of ridiculous. You’re not defined by what your passion is, but it does shape a lot of who you are, for better or worse. As teenagers, we like to find something to subscribe to, like being punk or a film buff, because it gives us a tribe. As people who are constantly trying to find a group to be a part of, a group like those is easy to bond to, and it makes you feel connected, which we as humans strive to feel. The idea that you have to find something that you’re defined by is kind of unreasonable, because people and ideas change. We spend so much time trying to figure out how we appear to others, and our “thing” is definitely a way to see how you appear to others. If I say that I’m an art history nerd (I’m not, because I still have a social life that doesn’t involve museums), then people assume that my entire personality revolves around art history. Make sense?
What I’m doing here is defining this idea of having a thing, which I think is important in this context. I always think of Christmas gifts when I think about this idea, because they’re weirdly really similar. Imagine if someone asked you, “What do you think this person wants for Christmas? Like what are they into?” Then you get that sort of sense of what I’m getting at here.
The Christmas gift idea creates this (capitalistic) view of someone through their interests, hobbies and ideas, and it frames them in your mind. But the Christmas gift idea is also a very narrow, materialistic view of someone, so you can throw it away, like that weird useless gift your awkward uncle sent you. (We all have one, and for my birthday this year I got a fucking juicer. It’s like this man hasn’t even breathed the same air as me.)
When I was younger, I was defined by school and being a smart kid. I excelled at reading, writing, linguistics, science, just not math, but in general I was just really good at school, and constantly reading a book that was way above my average age reading level. I was defined by it, like many of your friends probably are. (Unsurprisingly I had very few friends, but my terrible social life is beside the point.) But then I switched schools, to a school that was a lot more challenging, a school that spent more time finding ways to push me and help me grow. And very suddenly I realized that I wasn’t great at school, and my entire personality started to fall apart. What was defining me now? Who was I to everyone else? What did I mean? It was all very confusing, and I felt tetherless, falling down a rabbit hole and snatching at things I thought I could hold onto for long enough to slow down. So by the time I realized it was unrealistic to define myself by one singular thing, I stopped doing it. I was good at reading, but I was also artistic, and I was also figuring out what my passion was.
And to this day, I’m still doing that somewhat. When I allowed myself to fall, allowed myself to try a little of everything and see what I liked, I was suddenly open to try anything. And then I discovered what I loved, my passion. I realized that it was once I was open to trying new hobbies, open to trying new things, identities and people, that I discovered who I was in some small aspect. In truth, we spend most of our life doing this, and I know this because I’ve met countless people who are still trying to figure out what makes them tick, what defines them. You’re not undefined, Undefined, you’re trapping yourself into a little box. There’s no such thing as a strict label, and when you try to separate yourself into little boxes you can check off and assign, you lose your own originality. The reason why people are interesting isn’t because they have a singular passion in life, it’s because they allowed themselves not to. Once you’re open to trying anything to see what sticks, I promise you’ll find it. There’s no rush to find out exactly who you are exactly right now, and there shouldn’t ever be. Continue reinventing yourself.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com . There’s been a lag in submissions lately- do yourself (and me) a favor and tell me your problems!