Needing Good People
Dear Siouxsie,
I feel like all of my friends are assholes. Every time I’m with them, I feel like I’m being surrounded by negative energy, and I constantly feel trapped by my own need for friendship. How do I make good friends? I need to be uplifted by those around me, not dragged down. How do I bring good people into my life?
Sincerely,
Needing Good People
Dear Needing Good People,
First of all, I really commend you for being able to identify that your friends kinda suck. It’s hard to realize the people around you are the worst, and once you do, you feel shame. Shame because you feel like you owe it to them to stay friends with them. Shame because you’ve allowed yourself to stay trapped in those friendships for that long. And shame because you know you have to break away from them, but it’s really hard. So congrats to you for being able to recognize that you’re surrounded by people who aren’t lifting you up.
I have a few stories about negative friends, actually, so I’ll split them off into two: the first is the story of my own personal experience with negative friends, and the second is my experience watching my best friend struggle with her negative friends. Let’s do things chronologically and start with the first story.
I’ve talked about this before, but I’ve had a lot of really negative friends. I’m not asking for a pity party, just saying that it’s happened to me a lot. The friend I’m talking about (we’ll call her Mia) I had around 3 years ago, and to this day she’s one of the most memorable bad friends I’ve had. She just oozes negative energy. Complaining, whining, grouchy comments, and a lot of nasty looks- she’d walk into a room and you’d know. It was like having a ghost enter the room and that girl who claims she’s psychic (but she really just likes those weird crystals and bullshits a lot) says something like, “Oh, okay, lot of bad energy here.” Highly noticeable, and just pretty gross. I didn’t notice that I wasn’t really happy and content around Mia until she started being a pain in the ass to those around me, and that’s where I started to reconsider my choices. She would make everything a whole-ass production, and just uncomfortable. I was embarrassed that my friend was causing those around me to be unhappy, and that’s when I realized she was making me unhappy as well. I took a small break from hanging out with her, and realized how much happier I was with other friends. Though I knew it was going to be really hard to say goodbye to Mia, I was desperate to be in a better place. So at recess one day, I said, “Can we talk for a second?” and then after she nodded, said, “Okay, so here’s the thing. I feel like you’re really negative all of the time, and while I really like you as a friend, I think I want to take a break from being friends for a bit, because that negative energy isn’t really something I want to be around right now.”
Yes it sucked. But the second I’d said it, a huge wave of relief washed over me, and I felt incredibly free. Mia had locked me into a corner, a corner where I was vaguely miserable and emotionally exhausted all the time, and when I was able to get out, a huge weight was lifted off me, and I felt so much better. Having someone negative around you is like standing next to a vacuum. They suck everything out of you, leaving you tired all the time, emotionally exhausted, and unable to do anything more than struggle to recharge your own internal battery. You need to get away.
The second story is a little sadder. My best friend, a little while ago, was having a lot of issues with some of her friends, and kept telling me about all of these uncomfortable experiences she was having. Her friends would tease and mock her, or she’d get in fights with them over little things, and literally every week she’d tell another story that ended in, “I’m just so angry at them right now! They’re being really annoying and negative.” Finally, I was like, “Dude! Stop hanging out with them!” She was hesitant at first, and she kept saying that she felt bad, or that they’ve been friends for so long, and she didn’t want to lose them, but when I asked her if she’d had a good experience with them recently, she couldn’t answer. All of her happy memories with them were from years ago. So she gradually broke away from them, and was able to make new friends, better and closer friends, and today she’s a lot happier with her current friends. I’m really proud of her.
So what about you? There’s been enough talk of others’ stories, so can you figure out what you need to do? STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH YOUR SHITTY FRIENDS! Yay! Sure, you might have very little friends for a bit, but sometimes it’s okay to spend time with yourself. Actually, it’s always okay to spend time with yourself. The second thing to do is start focusing on what you’re putting out into the world. (I know it’s cheesy.) Yes, there is such a thing as toxic positivity, but when you’re being yourself in front of others, the people who’re like you make friends with you. If I were a fake bitch in front of everyone, I’d exclusively be friends with fake bitches. Understand? So it’s time to start presenting yourself as who you really are, or at least who you want to be, in front of others, and the ones who enjoy the real you will gravitate towards you. We spend our lives trying to figure out who we really are compared to who we want to be, and while you may never be both of those people, your friends can really help you become who you want to be. Find the friends who make you feel better, and make you a better person. Put that energy out there.
You’re figuring things out right now, and I know that’s scary and sometimes annoying, but it’ll help you in the long run, and you’ll be a better person for it. Your feelings are valid, and your desire for “good friends” is valid as well. I also want you to know that there are good friends waiting out there for you, and you will find them eventually, it just might take some searching. It’s okay to take some time, and it’s okay to not find the perfect friends immediately. It’s a life-long fucking process, and it’s okay to not hit the mark instantaneously.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com . There’s been a lag in submissions lately- do yourself (and me) a favor and tell me your problems!