Freaking Out
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m really confused about a lot of things! I’m a junior in high school, and I’m getting ready for all the college prep next year, but at the same time I currently have AP exams, and I think my relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart. I feel so overwhelmed with stress, and I don’t even know how to sort all of my problems out. I feel pressured by my parents and teachers, exhausted by all of this testing, and my boyfriend isn’t helping. We’ve been together for 6 months, and I felt like our relationship was fairly strong, but then when I had less time to be around him, he started acting cold and distant. I tried to explain that I was unbelievably busy with school, but he just shrugged it off. He said something along the lines of “yeah, whatever,” and just kind of treated me like it was my fault I have crazy amounts of schoolwork, and that my parents are pretty intense about college. I feel detached from my boyfriend, detached from the world because of how much work I do, and detached from my parents, who treat me like I’m not working my ass off. What do I do? How do I save my relationship, survive APs, and prepare for senior year all at once?
Sincerely,
Freaking Out
Dear Freaking Out,
You know those people who have everything together, all of their schedules organized, and their work and life balanced? Yeah, that’s not exactly how it really is. Those people who look like they’re able to balance everything are in reality stressed out of their minds, not sleeping much, and haven’t taken a minute to slow down in the like 4 years since they started micro-managing their lives. So the expectation that you’re able to do all of this at once is pretty absurd if you think about it, and you really shouldn’t expect yourself to have the capacity to do all of the things all of the time.
I think the first thing to do is focus on finishing the APs. They’re a lot more temporary, and once you’re done with them, I want you to go and buy yourself something tasty, then get a full night’s rest. Then you can get up and deal with your boyfriend. However: the APs aren’t something I can just say, “finish ‘em!” about and that’s it. Draw yourself up a little schedule of your exams, mark down the time you’ll set aside to study, and also mark down time set aside for a little relaxation. To me, that time is really, really important. If you work better with 5 minute breaks spliced into 3 hour study sessions, do that. If you work better with one hour studying, then one hour watching tv, do that. If you work better with 2.5 hours studying, then the rest of the day free, do that. Whatever works for you, as long as you’re able to fit some time to relax and rest in there. Make yourself playlists to look forward to when making notes, or get tasty snacks to eat while reviewing for your tests. Motivation is helpful! In general, being organized takes work, so don’t be too hard on yourself, but I promise that making schedules and finding little bits of motivation is really helpful. I know you’ll be able to get through them, just finish strong and do your best.
The next thing: your parents. Look, your parents are only hard on you because they want you to succeed in life. They’re not doing any of this in a malicious manner (I hope), and they’re strict with you because they’re trying to get you to have a successful education. But I think it might be good to sit down and talk to them. Establish how you feel when they make comments about how “little” you study, or why their constant pressure isn’t helping you. Be honest, but also be aware that they’re not trying to hurt you, this is just their way of helping you. Make it clear what doesn’t help, but make clearer what does. Use “I feel” statements (like when you’re having an uncomfortable conversation with that weird school counselor who does jack-shit for your panic attack. Yes, we’ve all had a shitty school counselor before. Yes, using “I” statements helps sometimes.). They should respect your feelings (which are valid), and you have the ability to hold them accountable for their promises. If they promise to be less invasive, then continually ask you how much you’re studying in a day, remind them that it makes you feel stressed when they ask questions like that. Be respectful, be nice, but be firm. They’re your parents. They just want the best for you, but they’re not realizing that this isn’t the way to have the best for you.
Okay, so fair warning: I have a men bias. I’m single, for several reasons, one of them being the fact that I have high standards (as everyone should) and low tolerance for clingy men, or bullshit in general. Right now, you need to focus on you. Your boyfriend is allowed to go on the back burner, because if you can barely take care of yourself, then why should you be responsible to take care of something else? It’s okay to just not really talk to him for a bit, because you have a lot less external problems than him right now. Finishing your exams and settling things with your parents are on the top of the list right now, and he’s important too, but not as important as your mental health, educational education, and having an honest relationship with your parents. When you yourself feel ready, rested, and emotionally prepared to talk to him about your feelings, then go ahead. Check in with yourself first, though, so you can tell if you want to resolve this or not. If you realize that his reaction to your feeling overwhelmed is a dealbreaker, by all means go for it and break up with him. But if you feel this relationship is worth trying to work through and improve, go for it. Do some of that cheesy soul-searching first! It’s very annoying but very worth it. Plus- forced narcissim! You get to think about yourself for long periods of time in order to be a better person. Very fun.
I know all of this is very overwhelming and stressful, but this period will be over, and you’ll come out a stronger person. Now is a time of thinking ahead, whether you want to or not, whether good or bad. I’m thinking ahead in terms of summer, which really isn’t far away, and the time I’ll get to spend with those I value most. Think ahead to times you’re excited for, the places you want to go, the people you want to be with. It’s okay to daydream now and again, and you can allow yourself a moment to think of the fun times you’ll have in a short while. It’s like you’re on a boat, and boats kinda suck, so you just want to get off, but you have to wait. But the good thing is, you can see the shore. There’s bright lights and good music and friends all on the shore, and all you have to do is wait on the boat and work diligently until you get to shore. Don’t drop the anchor just yet- they’re waiting on the shore, and you’ll be there soon.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie