Sister Situation
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m tired of taking care of my sister. She’s a year younger than me (I’m seventeen), and I get that you’re supposed to be a good older sister or sibling in general, but she’s a disaster. My parents are pretty busy, and so they expect me to take care of her problems a lot: I drive her everywhere, I help her with her homework, I make us dinner a lot, etc. But she’s also a fucking mess. She’s not good at keeping track of literally anything, she smokes with her friends and comes home high, she loses and breaks everything, she always has problems with her boyfriend. I tell my parents I need time to myself so I can focus on school, and think about my own future at college, but they kind of dismiss me and tell me that it’s my duty and responsibility as an older sister to help her. I love my sister a lot, and she’s a great person, but I’m getting so sick of being her surrogate parent, best friend, and manager. How do I help her learn to be more independent, and take more time for myself?
Sincerely,
Sister Situation
Dear Sister Situation,
This sounds shitty. I’m sorry. I start out a lot of these with that statement, but it’s true. It is shitty. Words lose their flavor after a while, and the statement “I’m sorry” definitely gets old to hear, so I hope my sympathy means something, however small, to you. But other than that, let’s not tiptoe: this situation isn’t your fault, and you deserve better. Now, I’m sure your parents aren’t bad people, and them being absent most of the time doesn’t make them bad people, it just means they expect a lot more of you. And right now, they’re clearly expecting too much. You’re fucking 17. You’re not a parent. So being expected to act as one to your sister isn’t fair, because you can’t be an adult for both of you.
Another thing: sometimes we just need our feelings validated. People around you sometimes manipulate or sugarcoat things so you have more self-doubt about your own feelings and opinions, and that can be harmful to both your mental health and how you view yourself. And in some situations, like the one you’re in, it’s your job to check in with yourself and know what’s right, and what’s a facsimile of the truth. Be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “My feelings are valid. My emotions are valid. And while others have their own opinions, I know what’s hurting and what’s helping me.” People who constantly look to others for validation are seeking something deeper, something they themselves need to heal and realign. The ability to self-validate your emotions is a life-long process, but it’s important to start that. Start reminding yourself that your concerns aren’t unfounded, and your needs are reasonable (in this case, and probably in others.)
A note about people who search for validation: I’m not shaming y’all for needing validation. Hell, we all need it sometimes. Your brain will lie to you and tell you that you need to doubt those feelings more, or others around you will do the same. If someone’s telling you your feelings aren’t as important as you know they are, don’t talk to them. Be willing to cut people out of your life if they gaslight you, manipulate you, or just plain don’t validate you when you need it. But being overly dependent on others to boost your self-confidence is a dangerous line to walk. When are you asking people to help you realize something, and when are you asking people to stroke your ego? Do some self-reflection.
Let’s talk about your parents. I know you love them, and I know you want to be the best sister you can, but they should respect your personal needs and feelings. Tell them that you’re feeling exhausted, and stand tall. They’re adults, and in this situation, you’re the kid. Yes, you’re 17, so you should be acting more like an adult, but part of their responsibility as parents is to take into account their daughter’s emotions. Make it clear that you need time for yourself, and you need them to help you more with your sister.
Speaking of your sister, and people who need something from others, she needs to grow up. If you were to leave for college right now, she’d be a mess. She’s overly dependent on someone who has their own life, and you deserve to have that life. So it’s time you sat her down and told her what needs to happen. She needs to take more responsibilities and ownership of her actions in general, and you can put your foot down about that. Set up boundaries: when and how far will you drive her? When does she make her own dinner? Make it easy at first, because she’s going to be resistant to change, but be firm that you need time for yourself. She needs to stop coming home high and needs to take care of her own drama herself, and she definitely needs to get on top of her time management. It’s your job to be an older sister, but you can’t hold her hand forever, and she should know that.
Okay, listen. And I’m not just talking to the person who wrote this to me, I’m talking to everyone reading this: learning to handle your own shit is a lot, and some people spend their entire lives learning how to do this. And I’m not just talking about figuring stuff out all alone, I’m talking about taking initiative to solve your own problems. I have and have had friends who I love dearly, but they need to be able to take initiative. If you’re having a problem, come up with a plan to fix it, whether that’s totally alone or with other people. One friend who I’ve had was a really nice person, but just couldn’t learn to figure her shit out. All of her problems had to be shared with everyone, and I was forced to help her figure out every single one of her problems, even though she could easily have come to me with a plan for how to fix them herself, whether that plan involved me or not. Learn to plan shit out, y’all! Don’t come to people with seventy-five different issues and expect them to be willing to walk through all of these problems with you. People have their own shit, and sometimes they aren’t mentally stable enough to handle someone else’s shit. Respect all boundaries, and know that one day, you’ll be forced to figure it out yourself. You can do it, because literally billions have before you.
It’s not gonna be easy. I know it isn’t. But you have to push through, and sometimes your sister will get mad at you because you need time for yourself, whether it’s your own homework, your own significant other, your own mental health, or whatever you deserve to take care of. “If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?” asks David Sedaris. Be willing to believe in the other little improbabilities. Allow yourself both the benefit of the doubt and the security in your own feelings, and know when you deserve something. Maybe it’s time to yourself, or maybe it’s a cookie, but you have the right to do what makes you a better person.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com , I’ll always respond!