Wanting Another
Dear Siouxsie,
I think I hate my girlfriend. All she does is annoy me, and literally every week I have to piece our relationship back together. She’s a great person, but she’s a really terrible girlfriend. I consider myself a pretty chill guy in terms of the kind of relationship I expect: I’m fine if we just text and FaceTime most of the time, I enjoy dates but I’m not angry if we can’t hang out one weekend, and I’m okay if my significant other needs some time to herself. But my girlfriend can’t even do that. She ignores my texts, she’ll act like I’m the selfish one for wanting to spend more time with her (we barely see each other), and she’s usually distracted when we do hang out. I feel like she expects me to be her punching bag, her best friend, her parent, her brother, and her boyfriend all at once- I have to do everything for her! The worst part is, I really like this other girl who’s very different from my girlfriend. I feel terrible, but every time I see her, my day brightens. (I don’t go out of my way to see her, I just happen to have a few classes with her.) I feel horrible. My girlfriend is a terrible girlfriend, but before we started dating she was just this really cool friend I had, and now I feel so much pressure to do everything for her. I can’t bear the idea of breaking up with her just to run off to another girl, because I would feel even worse than I already do, but every time I see the other girl, and every time my girlfriend does something shitty, I just feel like I’m being pulled further in both directions. What should I do? I feel like I know what you’re going to say, but I just think I need a push in the right direction. How do I be the best person I can be, while still keeping everyone’s (including myself) best interests at heart?
Sincerely,
Wanting Another
Dear Wanting Another,
You sound like a nice guy, and I think that’s commendable. You’re trying to do nice things for someone you value and care about, and I also think that’s commendable. You know what I don’t think is commendable? The amount of fucking self-sabotage that’s going on right here. You said you “feel like you know what I’m going to say”- okay, so let’s say it: break up with your girlfriend! Put it out there! This girl, however nice or cool or funny or hot or talented or whatever she is- she’s not worth your energy right now. It’s depressing to hear that you’re chasing after her to be a better person when it’s turning into more of “she’s making you do things for her that you don’t need to” type of thing. I get it, she’s someone you care about, but you can’t expect someone to suddenly say one day, “I know I’m a shitshow, but today I’m going to do something about it!” It’s an impossible ask, and waiting around for her to change overnight isn’t going to happen. You need to be nicer to yourself.
I love some of my friends, but sometimes I have to tell them to get their shit together. It’s exhausting to constantly be the person who cleans up after everyone, and it sounds like you’re in that position. Everyone reading this, listen up: in your friend group, you’re probably either the person everyone goes to so they can fix their lives, or you’re one of the people who always goes to someone else for their lives to be fixed. It’s okay to do that sometimes! If you as a friend can’t help someone solve a problem, or you don’t have friends who’re willing to help you solve their problems, then rethink your friend group. But there’s a certain line people cross where they’re relying on one person to help them fix everything. All of the time. And everyone around them can tell: this isn’t a healthy friendship. It sounds like that’s where you’re at right now, Wanting Another. I know it’s hard to think that your girlfriend might struggle on her own, but so be it. Sometimes, people need to struggle on their own to figure their shit out, and if she can’t handle it, it’s up to her, not you, to reorganize her life.
A note about being a good human: it’s really admirable that your first instinct is to take care of others. Take a note from this decent person, people. I’ve talked enough about self-love, self-care, and self-respect on this column for everyone to know that what Wanting Another is doing to himself is self-sabotage (and he knows that! Good listening, WA, but actually do something about changing that.) But I still want to make it clear that being respectful and kind to yourself AND OTHERS should be up there in your list of priorities. People who neglect others in these kinds of situations are pretty shitty people, because what we’re doing here is working with others’ emotions. Consider any and all emotions, y’all.
So, let’s talk about this other girl. She sounds like an option. I love the way you describe her, that every time you see her your day brightens. If you can find someone who does that for you, that’s lovely and I think y’all should make out. Don’t feel guilty for looking for someone else, it’s what we automatically do when one option isn’t working out: we look for another. Don’t be the guy that dumped one girl for another, be the guy that chose to be with the nicer girl, and took care to leave his ex without malice. Your current girlfriend might be really angry at you, but don’t let that change your feelings: your desire for another, more fulfilling relationship is totally valid and understandable. And I think you don’t need to write down a list of pros and cons to know that all of this is important to you. Don’t be horrible to your current girlfriend, be compassionate, but you deserve a better relationship.
Some readers might be wondering why I’m not suggesting Wanting Another here to talk to his girlfriend and try and rebuild the relationship. That’s because the issues he’s talking about here are structural. And the issues that his soon-to-ex-girlfriend is dumping on him right now are incredibly personal and complex, issues that one nice guy can’t figure out and solve. These are issues you work on for years, and you don’t force someone else into handling the worst of them while you run away from your problems. From the wording here, this is a teenage situation, so this is something you as a teenager definitely can’t handle all on your own, and highschool relationships are too simple and somewhat fragile to be able to be life-long commitments. If you, dear reader, are an adult and dealing with someone like this girl- she’s a fucking adult, and it’s just ridiculous to expect someone else to shoulder all of your burdens for you. Have some self-respect.
Something I often ask people when they’re struggling is, “Who can you talk to about these issues?” It’s not that you can’t handle it yourself, it’s that a backup system of support is necessary. No matter your living conditions, it’s incredibly important to value those around you who can give you support, advice, or some kind of counsel. Whether that’s professional support from a therapist (literally everyone should be going to therapy- make good therapy legal!), or just your parent being there to listen to you rant, we should be able to get help and have a space for growth. Wanting Another, you should definitely be able to talk to your current or new girlfriend about your struggles, but sometimes it’s important to have a variety in the people who’re listening or talking to you. I’m sure you have at least one person in your life who can be your friend, and not have to be romantically involved in any of this.
I think you know what you’re doing here, sweetheart, and I hope you can make the decisions that will benefit you, as well as others, in the long term. Talk to your current girlfriend, tell her that you can’t do this anymore, and be firm in prioritizing your needs, because it sounds like you’re doing a lot more than you really should be doing. I know that I’m turning into a Cheryl Strayed fanpage, but in one of her books she said, “Compassion isn’t about solutions. It’s about giving all the love that you’ve got.” Give as much as you can. Be as much as you can. Be willing to lose it all, but also be willing to get as much love as you can back.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie