Shameful
Dear Siouxsie,
I’ve had a crush on this guy for a while now, and we only just went on our first date, after I worked up the courage to ask him out. I was really proud of myself, and super excited to see this movie with him, but halfway through the date things got so weird. He made a casually racist joke about one of the actors in the movie, a Black woman, and it really bothered me. I called him out on it and tried to correct him, but he sort of brushed it off like it was nothing, and I spent the rest of our date silent and angry, while he pretended like I was overreacting and nothing was wrong. (For reference, he’s white and I’m half-Asian.) I felt so furious at him for saying those things, but confused, because he’s still a really fun guy, and I don’t want to be with a man who makes racist comments and pretends like they aren’t racist. How do I handle this? I hate him, because of what he said, but I’m furious at myself that I can still have feelings for a man who disrespects Black people openly and mockingly. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Shameful
Dear Shameful,
What a fucking mess! This is almost impressive. Well, let’s start at the top with the most important of notes: never contact this man again, unless he makes a point to grow and change! He’s not worth your time, and you should leave him alone to reflect on his own terrible life decisions. I know you’re confused, but take him out of the picture. At this point, he’s made it clear what he chooses to do with his life, and that’s being somewhat of a piece of shit, so let’s leave him to marinate in that little cesspool.
Anyways. I think this situation is a particularly tricky one because your own feelings are muddled into this nasty cocktail, which I’m sorry about. It’s shitty to be forced to separate your own feelings from this, because it started out as something meant to be all about your feelings, and not at all about how this guy revealed himself to be not such a great guy. I understand that it can be hard to understand that this man isn’t someone you want to be around, but for your own sake, just leave it alone. If he chooses to apologize, to learn and grow, that’s amazing, and you have every right to support him in educating himself about why what he said was wrong.
This would be a very different story if he’d been willing to listen to your corrections, and try to learn and grow from these mistakes, but he chose to actively pretend what he said wasn’t a big deal, and that he’s not in the wrong here. It’s hard, but you have to accept that defending this man is a useless and self-sabotaging action. He deserves to be ghosted. You deserve way better.
I can imagine the emotional turmoil you’re facing, but you have to understand: he’s not involved. This is about you rising above his idiocy and being the better person for it. You can find him attractive, sure, that’s not something you can deny, but you really can’t date him, and you clearly know that. What you should do, Shameful, is focus on yourself. As always, now is the perfect time to focus on personal growth.
First off, I think it’s really great that you tried to educate this man, and I want you to realize that you’re the better person for having educated yourself prior to be able to handle situations like this. Continue to learn and educate yourself, because there’s no such thing as a stopping place for education on anti-racism. Secondly, look inward. What do you need right now, in order to move past this situation? Do you need time to recollect and find friends and family to bond with, so you can move away from this man? Do you need time for self-care? Do you need a minute to do some deep self-reflection? Feed your soul and mind. (Motherfucker. I sound like Bella Hadid’s Instagram posts about self-love and reflection.)
I think the best way to look at this situation is to pull back and look at the bigger picture. Yes, it was shitty. Yes, you hate him, and yourself for still liking this piece of shit. But also, yes, it passed. It’s over! Stop dwelling on it for a minute and allow yourself to just fucking move on. Enjoy the rest of your summer. Relax. Take a walk. Buy yourself a little thing from CVS or whatever. It’s not your job to educate this man, it’s not your job to solve his problems, it’s your job to keep living and do your best. So go do your job. Just keep doing your best, and I think you’ll do just fine.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com , I’ll always respond!