Torn In Two
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m so confused! My best friend is unbelievably upset with me, but for some good reason: I’ve not been there for her as much as I should’ve been, but I do take full responsibility for that. In truth, I needed to take a little break from her drama, but I ignored her for my own personal space, though she truly needed her best friend. However, at the same time, my girlfriend isn’t happy with me either. She kept asking me and asking me to hang out together, and I kept trying to schedule time to be with her, timing and other unchangeable appointments got in the way, and she ended up telling me I was being a terrible significant other and purposely avoiding being around her, even though I wasn’t. I feel so lost without both (or either) of them, and I don’t know how I can manage to salvage two different, highly complex and deeply valued relationships at the same time. How can I save both relationships without hurting either person in the process, and how can I summon the mental strength it takes to do all of this at once?
Sincerely,
Torn in Two
Dear Torn in Two,
Jesus Christ. Sweetheart, how the fuck did all of this happen? This sounds unbelievably overwhelming and just plain confusing. I can tell these two situations are both really exhausting you, because you’re clearly spending a lot of time trying to think of ways to pick up the pieces and manage to glue things back together, which I respect but at the same time shudder to think of the daily disaster that is your social life (no offense). You’ve got two different trash fires here: your best friend’s upset with you, and your girlfriend is furious with you, and those two people are clearly both important to you, so let’s start there: the positives.
Without a doubt, you clearly have a lot of love for both of these people. That’s great. It makes it easy for me as the person advising you to keep these people in your life, and it gives you a genuine sincerity to rebuild these relationships, which is what you can look at it as. If these people love you (which, I mean, let’s hope they do), they’ll be able to tell that you didn’t do these things with malice, and you didn’t mean to hurt these people. People can tell when they’re being cared about, and I know that your girlfriend and friend know that you’re not making mistakes on purpose- they’re called mistakes, not shit decisions, and you didn’t do this to yourself on purpose, so they can tell that you just fucked up. So if all else fails, the important thing is recognizing that micromanaging your past mistakes isn’t going to help you. Focus on rebuilding with love, and know that if you’re making it clear that you care about these people, they can’t blame you for trying to be a good person. They know you care, and that’s what’s valuable. However, there’s still a lot of unpleasant, nasty shit you have to really run headfirst into, because otherwise the loose ends are going to trip you up and bind you in misery.
You clearly have a lot of love for both these people, and that’s also what makes this situation so hard. Because you care, you have to tread carefully around these two peoples’ individual situations and feelings, so you can have a clearer and more stable outcome. First: your best friend. I appreciate your honesty that you feel like you’ve possibly neglected her feelings in her moment of turmoil, but don’t lie to yourself: you took time to recover, recharge, and be by yourself for a little bit. Your mental health is important too, and while it was unfortunate that you weren’t available for her at that moment, it’s not up to you to be available at all times for her. If you were mentally not all there when she was asking you to be, then you were unavailable and I think she should be able to respect that. Value your self-care time, and don’t downplay it just because your friend happened to be struggling at the same time. If she’s also the kind of person that’s followed by drama (whether she instigated it or not), then you can think about taking a step back from her. Some people are a lot, and it’s okay to set up boundaries between you and her so you can feel comfortable with taking time away from her. If you feel overwhelmed by her, then you can take a break. But because you clearly care about her, be honest with her: tell her what kind of mental space you were in, and tell her you were just unavailable at the time. Tell her you understand that she needed you, and that you’re sorry you couldn’t be there back then, but you are now. She definitely won’t appreciate dishonesty, and any kind of fake apology or half-assed attempt at being a decent human will just be an insult to her intelligence. Be honest. Always be honest.
Now: about your girlfriend. Look, relationships get fucked up sometimes. It’s okay. In fact, the idea that you’re supposed to have the “perfect” relationship, and the idea that the “perfect” relationship doesn’t have arguments is unrealistic. I’m not saying it’s normal to fight about everything, I’m saying it’s normal to disagree. Two humans cannot go through life together without having minor or major conflicts together, and that’s okay. If you’re really just unable to hang out with her as much as she’d prefer (and/or you’d prefer), then make it clear that you just couldn’t schedule correctly with her. It’s gonna be hard, convincing someone that you genuinely feel bad about your mistakes, and tell her you hear what she’s saying, even if her criticism is a little intense. Take the L and tell her she’s right, you need to make more of an effort to be with her, but be aware of your own feelings. Sometimes we say things that are a little exaggerated in terms of how accurate to your feelings they are, and that’s okay. Hearing you’re right is sometimes just what we need to hear, even if you’re not really right, and it feels good to have the other person in the argument just say, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Sometimes things just don’t work out, and that’s okay, but you need to make an effort to set time aside for her each week, if you want her to feel special. Whether it’s an hour or two to talk on FaceTime, going to the movies, or having a little picnic on Sunday, just be with her, and take time to give her your undivided attention. If she’s willing to at least listen to you for a little, that’s everything. Be honest about how much you appreciate her, and how you feel lost without her, even though you know that you’ve fucked up. The only way someone can believe that you actually want to make things right is to show growth and progress. Instead of making empty promises, do the fucking work. Take her out for dinner, and PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. If you give her real attention, and just fucking listen and learn, you’ll get a good response in return. I think most people undervalue good listeners, and someone who’s willing to shut the hell up and pay attention to you quietly while giving you eye contact. Be an A+++ partner for a while, even if it’s not the most fun thing in the world.
This is a lot, and I think you’re forgetting someone in the mix. You! Where’s your mental health importance? Take time for yourself! Take breaks. Have some time for yourself, and make sure you go into situations mentally prepared to talk to these other people, and take care of their feelings. I saw one of those dumb, cheesy Instagram posts the other day that took me by surprise: “You shouldn’t be punished for looking after yourself.” Unfortunately, that dumb Instagram post was right, and very accurate. I’ll say it again: you shouldn’t be punished for looking after yourself. You’re allowed to take time for yourself without being penalized, and you are allowed to defend your own actions you take to be mentally well. Take care of yourself first, and then solve your problems. You can do it, I just think you need to sort it all out first.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com , I’ll always respond!