Losing Interest
Dear Siouxsie,
I feel like I get attached and then forget about people way too quickly. I find someone who I think is incredibly attractive and funny, and I really like them, so we have a relationship, but I almost immediately start to lose interest. I’ve done this at least 3 times before, and every time I feel like something’s wrong with me that I can’t remember why I liked this person in the first place. How do I find someone who I like for longer than just a month or so?
Sincerely,
Losing Interest
Dear Losing Interest,
Here’s the good news: nobody’s asking you to be in a relationship, so you shouldn’t feel pressure to date someone just because you like them. But here’s the bad news: you’re hurting a lot of feelings along the way. You’re not going to get married tomorrow, or even fall in love, but you’re running down a very long road where you have the choice to turn around. To be honest, I’ve been right up there with you- and I really don’t think you’re alone in this.
I like learning about how people’s brains work, and I’m hoping you’re willing to do a little learning with me. In a relationship, there are 3 (differing opinions on this) attachment styles: the secure partner, the avoidant partner, and the anxious partner. The secures give love in a relationship, and expect love in return: they’re pretty good, and they’re kind of standard significant others. The avoidants fear closeness, and often prefer a no-strings-attached, labeless fling over serio-monogamy. The anxious ones are often insecure about their partners’ feelings for them, and tend to stress the little things. (If you want to read more about this topic, I highly recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller.) If it helps you to tackle this the more scientific way, I suggest taking a step back to examine yourself: what do you want from a relationship? And what are you expecting from your partners?
When we’re talking about your relationships, the key word here is “you.” Like I mentioned earlier, I was in a relationship at one point where, after 2 and a half months of relatively uncomplicated, typical relationship shit, I realized I had nothing but friendly affection for my boyfriend. I found his romantic attention somewhat annoying, and found myself thinking that we didn’t really understand each other. I broke up with him, saying that “we should be friends, not dating”, and I really, genuinely meant it. He liked me more than I liked him, and I couldn’t help it.
But here’s the thing. I stopped looking for people to date, very deliberately, and started asking myself what I wanted from a more serious relationship. Who was I, in a sense? And I’ll ask you the same question I forced myself to answer: what am I looking for in a romantic partner? Not your type, not physical appearance, but the real shit: someone to listen to you, someone to take care of you? Someone to make you feel secure in who you are? Someone to make you a better person? Before you agree to take care of and receive love from someone else, you have to be ready to do all of these things yourself. You don’t have to answer the huge questions, but I think you owe it to your future partners to make it clear who you are as a partner. Transparency and honesty are the best possible options. If I were to get into a full relationship with someone who had no idea that I really, really value quality time and would be very upset if they didn’t want to make very small hats with me, then we’d probably be fucked. Make it clear what you value, and I promise you’ll find someone who understands what you’re saying, and will say the things you need to hear.
Though COVID is just starting to ebb a little bit, you currently have an enormous opportunity to work on you. Spend time with yourself and your thoughts. It sounds silly, but sometimes we forget what our own voices and thoughts sound like. Ask yourself the big and the little questions, and figure out who you want to be as a relationship partner, and what you want from your future significant others. Because I want to sound intelligent and imposing, I’m going to put in this quote from one of my absolute favorite books ever, It’s Kind of A Funny Story. “People are screwed up in this world. I'd rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode.” Be honest with yourself and others, Losing Interest. People value your honesty, and all of the little things that make you who you are, especially if they’re not the perfect bits. If I know anything, I know this about you: when you’re ready to be you in front of others, and you show people all of the fucked up parts of you right along with your gorgeous parts, you’ll find the people you’re looking for. I know you’ll find them.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. If you want to send me an email and ask me for some advice, email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com . I’ll be quick to respond in the upcoming week.