Ashamed
Dear Siouxsie,
I was out with a friend a few days ago, and we went into a CVS to shop around, just for fun. While I was there, I saw lip gloss that I thought was cute, and I wanted it, but I didn’t want to give money to a big corporation, so I put it in my bag when I thought nobody was looking, and then when nobody said anything (my friend was two isles over), I ended up taking a lipstick and an eyeliner. It’s not that I can’t afford it, it’s just that it’s kind of fun. I went over to my friend and told her that I’d shoplifted some things, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She told me to put the makeup back and said that “if I could afford it, I shouldn’t just steal.” I tried to explain that it was just harmless, but then a security guard stopped me and asked if I’d taken any items without intending to pay, and he made me return the items and I left really embarrassed and angry. My friend was annoyed with me and clearly ashamed to be associated with the teenager who had to confess to stealing some eyeliner or whatever, and I felt really bad because I messed up the rest of our day, and she was really uncomfortable around me because of what I did. Now I don’t know what to do: I told her a thousand times it was to not support CVS, and that it was really just harmless, but she just tells me that it was wrong, and that I should’ve just bought the items. How do I fix this?
Sincerely,
Ashamed
Dear Ashamed,
Look, we’ve all pocketed something at one time or another. C’mon everyone, be honest. You wanted those sunglasses! You liked that lip balm! (For some reason?) It’s just kind of fun, and it doesn’t really have any consequence, unless you get caught. But repetitive stealing… y’all better have a good reason. I know a lot of people steal simply because they can’t afford it, and I understand why you do that. But if you can afford it? Just pay, for god’s sake.
Another thing: BIPOC are often stereotyped as shoplifters or stealers, and are more often than not profiled a suspect for stealing they didn’t, something rather than Tyler the white daddy’s money Nike-wearing 20-something-year-old who shoved a Bud Light in his backpack because it felt fun and exciting. If you have the money and/or aren’t going to get profiled for a shoplifter, you’re just using your privilege to have some fun. I’m not saying this to guilt you, not necessarily, I’m just giving incentive to not steal and use your privilege for something pretty ridiculous. For some eyeliner and lip gloss? What the hell? Just don’t, Ashamed. Yes, you’re kind of right in that shoplifting is anti-corporation, but again you’re just using your privilege. You’re just backing up your fun shoplifting with a political idea that doesn’t quite apply here. Anyways. Political time over! (It’s important to preface advice with some political background sometimes.)
Let’s talk about who was actually hurt here: your friend. She probably felt really uncomfortable, yes- she was in a situation where her friend, who she came into the store with, was getting confronted by a literal security guard for stealing. Listen to your friends! She asked you to put the items back, and you could have avoided hurting her further by just saying, “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll put these things back now.” Or, “You’re right. I’ll just pay for them, I do have the money, I shouldn’t have taken them.” It’s the decent thing to do, and you’re right: it did fuck with the rest of the day. I think the best solution is to own up to what you did: be honest. Tell her, “I want to apologize for what I did, and how I tried to validate my own wrong actions. I made a mistake, and it cost the rest of our time together. I promise I won’t do any of that ever again. I’m sorry.” Be honest about your wrongs. Be honest about your shame. And above all, be honest about how you know that you caused her hurt. In general, for any kind of shame or guilt, I find this is the absolute best policy. Yes, you feel bad, but you caused others some kind of hurt or embarrassment, and acknowledging how you hurt them is going to make them a lot more willing to forgive you. Don’t just move past it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person, I just think you made a juvenile mistake that you have the opportunity to take as a learning experience. I’ve had so many terrible friend experiences that I probably worsened for myself, made naive mistakes, and struggled to see what the correct decision was, but funnily enough I regret absolutely nothing. I worked very hard to like who I am today, and I’m grateful for all the mistakes I made because they taught me to be a much better person. So you have the choice here, Ashamed. Will you take this as a learning experience and grow beyond it, or will you push it aside and act like it never happened? It’s up to you, and I hope you can make the right choice. In fact, I know you will.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Don’t forget- my email is desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com. Don’t hesitate to email me, I will respond in the upcoming week!