Not Fitting In
Dear Siouxsie,
I always feel reserved from everyone else, even though I know I have friends who genuinely like me. But I always feel like I stick out, and like I never really fit in with my friend group, or with any group. Why do I feel so out of place all the time, even though I know I’m not actually?
Sincerely,
Not Fitting In
Dear Not Fitting In,
There’s some ridiculous pressure for us as humans to mesh together perfectly, fit in and feel our tribe. Well, I guess it’s not entirely ridiculous: we’ve been using it to survive for thousands of years. It used to be a sort of tribal mechanism: if people like you, they’ll remember you, and when a wild lion/tiger/beast(?) starts to run at you and your tribe, you won’t be forgotten, and you’ll stay alive. So we all instinctively, primally, humanly want to be liked and remembered. It’s natural for you to want to be liked, to be the person in the middle of the group, not the one trying to hear the conversation.
However, I’m just gonna put this out there and send a big fuck-you to evolution: that mindset of “needing to fit in” is far less important now, because who the hell actually likes being the center of the group? It’d be kind of stressful to have everyone expect you to set the tone for everything, know what’s cool, and automatically be the leader all the time. More accurately, does the person in the center of the group realize they’re the center of the group? I feel like there really isn’t such a thing as “fitting in”, because the only way we’d all actually fit in would be if we were made with cookie cutters. And while that sounds tasty, I don’t think the world would be very interesting at all if we were all very, very similar.
Another thing: why is it so bad to not fit in? Don’t give in to your primal little brain mechanisms, it’s not as important as you think it is. Not fitting in means you stand out, and I personally would actually rather stand out. People don’t remember the person who looked like the next 3 other people, they remember the weird kid who was really good at art but sometimes ate dry pasta. I also think that the people who stick out are the ones to watch out for: read literally any “inspirational” kindergarten wall quote from any generic world leader or famous person, and you’ll see what I mean. You see posters that say shit like “Bill Gates didn’t really fit in at school! Look at that. Bill Gates! Unpopular! Like you, loser!” Of course Bill Gates didn’t fit in, Jesus Christ. He’s a genius and his brain is really interesting, so he was probably more focused on making weird computers than trying to be popular. However, look at the guy now: he’s crazy rich, and he’s revolutionized the tech world. He was weird. He was interesting. He stuck out, and now he’s, you know, Bill Gates. What I’m saying is, interesting and talented people don’t fit in because they’re interesting and talented. I wouldn’t have said a generic white guy like Bill Gates because diversity and (in my opinion, there are a lot cooler people than Bill Gates) but he’s oddly omnipresent in inspirational quotes about fitting in. Or maybe I’m losing it? Or both.
I’ll admit, I don’t have a ton of close friends, and I really don’t fit in with most of the world. But personally, I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. If you fit in with most of the world, you’d be a pretty vague person, universally liked and marketed to a broad audience. When I was little, I used to read books where the main characters didn’t fit in, they were singled out, and they were kind of different. So, as kids do, I idolized them and heavily embraced how different and not-popular I was. In many ways, this was a real blessing because I stopped giving a shit very early on in life. Take a page from my book, and just stop caring what others think, especially about your appearance. (Unless people are telling you you’re being an asshole. Then maybe reconsider a few life choices.)
In general, I think it’s okay to not fit in, and sometimes when you allow yourself to be the person who doesn’t walk up front with the rest of your friends, you find someone else who feels a little left out or forgotten. Sometimes, those people are the ones who arewho are really your friends. Alexander McQueen, who was a revolutionary fashion designer and incredibly talented, once said, “I came to terms with not fitting in a long time ago. I never really fitted in. I don't want to fit in. And now people are buying into that.” Odd, isn’t it? So don’t fit in, NFI. In all honesty, it’s just not that great, and not that interesting.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
*P.S. My email is desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com. Feel free to email me!