Inexperinced
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m about to be a senior in highschool, and as the summer starts to end, I realized that by the time I start college, I’m going to be wildly inexperienced in terms of relationships. I’m a cis girl, but I’m not even sure what my sexuality is, which adds to my confusion and general unsurety about my relationship experience. I don’t even know what to do, where to start, and if I’ll ever date anyone until much later into college. I haven’t even been on a date, and when my friends were joking around and taking the Rice Purity Test, I pretended to go to the bathroom so they wouldn’t realize that I’d only done two of the things on the list, neither related to relationships. I know that it’s not important whether you’re more or less experienced, but I’m kind of panicking because I haven’t done any of the things most teenagers are experimenting with, and I don’t know how to feel about this.
Sincerely,
Inexperienced
Dear Inexperienced,
I’m just going to get the pandemic section out of the way first: COVID impacted all of our high school years and we’ve lost time to that, we haven't had a normal experience, blah blah blah. If I hear another adult tell me how hard it must have been to live through the pandemic and have less-than-average highschool years, I’m going to cut off my left arm. I know y’all mean well, I really do, but here’s the truth: it impacted all of us, we all had a tough time, and everyone lost years of their life and consequently years of life experience to the pandemic. Keep that in mind, especially when reading this, because I’m not going to stop every paragraph and remind you of “miss Rona” or whatever the fuck those annoying people on Instagram are calling it now. Just be aware of it so I don’t have to remind you of it every five seconds.
That being said, let’s talk about some of the problems at hand here, the root causes. Not to be overly pretentious, Social Justice Warrior, “we live in a Society” girl, but there’s a deep core of bigotry and misogyny in what we think of as “experienced”. Traditionally, women, girls, and femme people are expected to balance the line of slut or prude, whore or virginal waif, bitch or pushover, and the list goes on. But absolutely nobody is able to be the dead middle, in-the-know but not “gross” or “too much”. Men and masc people are allowed to be studs, players, and fuckboys, but still be attractive and praised for their experience. But they’re shamed if they’re simps or pussies because they respect women, so they’re encouraged to be sexually knowledgeable but not overly respecting or “worshipful” of women. And people who identify outside of the gender binary face their own biases, especially from those who target them for their gender identity, sexual preference, etc. Generally, if you walk and talk, people have some kind of expectation for how “experienced” you are, so who’s really experienced here?
And who reaps the rewards of being experienced? Most often, cishet men. So the idea and expectation that you’ve done things that are social capital, such as having been in multiple relationships, had sex, gotten blackout drunk, etc… It’s unnecessary, even though everyone thinks and knows it kind of isn’t. What I mean is, I can tell you that, say, being 25 and a virgin is totally okay, but at the same time, we all know that it’ll be decades before that’s totally socially acceptable. Or being 21 and having your first ever sip of alcohol legally. There’s an unspoken cheat code to being socially acceptable, and it’s damn near impossible to find out what the code is, who’s cracked it, and how. So as much as I want it to be okay to be “inexperienced”, whatever that means to you, there are going to be people who devalue and dismiss you for not doing the things that they think you should have done already.
But here’s where it starts to get useful. Those people who’ll dismiss you for being inexperienced (by their standards) are easily identifying themselves as being low to high grade assholes, and people who you don’t want to be around. Yes, years later, you’ll be able to look back on your younger self with a laugh and self-deprecating joke, but you want people who won’t bully you for shit like this. So let the annoying people who don’t think you’re good enough to be their friends go away, because as cool as they might be, wasting time and energy trying to get them to like you is useless, and won’t make you feel better. People who dismiss you aren’t worth your time, it’s the people who want to be around you, for you, that are important. It seems obvious, but we all forget it from time to time, and it saddens me to see someone trying to be someone they’re not in the hopes that they’ll get validation from someone more popular than them.
A quick note on exploration of identity: it’s okay to not know what you identify as yet. It’s also okay to think you’re one thing, and then realize later you’re another. I think that because we’re seeing lots of people embracing their identities with labels (which is totally fine), it can be intimidating to not know your label, or to be more fluid. There’s nothing wrong with changing labels often, but I encourage those who are less sure of their labels to forget them for a bit. Humans are fucking weird, and we have such a wide variety of interests as a group that it’s impossible to call something “normal.” Sure, there are commonalities and averages, but for the most part, you can’t expect everyone to fall within the same boundaries or binaries. If you’re unsure of your sexuality, or gender identity, or any other personal identifications, I would encourage you to simply let yourself see what you like. What feels comfortable to you? You don’t have to give it words yet, just give yourself the freedom to be intuitive.
College is definitely daunting, and in a time when most seniors in high school are preparing to write essays, draft resumes, and submit applications, it’s impossible to not feel judged or compared to others. For proof, I’ve been forced to read about 8 different personal statements, 12 resumes, and 5 essays in order to simply draft my resume. And I haven’t even started my essay yet. I don’t know what your college process is looking like right now, Inexperienced, but it’s probably a lot of comparing essays, resumes, and information. This mindset encourages you to critique and challenge yourself, which is good in moderation, but unnecessary in this situation you’re talking about. Choose when and where comparison is necessary.
If you go into college having never had sex, or done drugs, and with a 98% on the Rice Purity Test, just know that it doesn’t fucking matter. To the right people, you’re an amazing person and potentially a great life-long friend. To the wrong people, you’re inexperienced, and they’ll ignore you. Let them, because who wants to be friends with someone who devalues you? College is the perfect time to explore, to make friends, find new people, etc. You’re more than what you’ve done in high school, and you’re better than that. High school is not the place you should expect to peak, and you shouldn’t hold yourself back. You’ll be absolutely fine, and you’re a lot more than some preconceived notions society deems “important” or “cool.” Sometimes I wish I could see into the future, so I could see what crazy things are going to happen to me next, but part of the fun of life is just going along for the ride and hoping for the best. Rather than being scared of all the shitty stuff, be excited for the fucking cool shit.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!