Hi Again
Hi y’all. It’s been a while. Sorry about that.
Lots has happened since I last wrote one of you back, although I can’t share all of it, and it feels unnecessary to do so in totality. The last time I wrote to you, it was early August, I had a blind confidence in my first semester of senior year, and the weather was warmer. Now it’s early December, I’m physically and mental exhausted, and it’s fucking freezing (in my opinion, at least). A lot of change has come in my life, whether it be friends, family, or relationships, but also not much has changed: I’m still myself, I’m still breathing, and time continues. I’ve had many new experiences, some good, some bad, and some middling. I have a new plant. But enough about me.
A lot has happened in the world around us. Women in Iran (and their supporters) are fighting for the right to choose to wear a hijab. The LGBT+ community of Colorado Springs was attacked by an asshole bigot with a gun. Kanye West said he likes Hitler. I can’t possibly name all of it, but my point is: many things have happened, many things that I would love to discuss and address, but I can’t do all of it. So what I’d like to do with this letter is accomplish a few things, and most prominently to this advice column, get back on track.
The first thing I want to talk about is the political side of things. In a time of a lot of unrest, anger, and indignation at mistreatment, across the globe, I’ve been a little down about the state of things. For obvious reasons. If the statements I’m making sound vague and indistinguishable, it’s because I don’t really know what specifically to talk about. There are simply too many things to feel pain for. In truth, I know I have the privilege to not “need” to talk about these things, but I personally feel it s remiss to not talk about some of the feelings I currently have surrounding political situations right now.
In short, I’m a working human being, and have strong feelings about all of it. I'm angry, I’m heartbroken, I’m exhausted. I know many of you probably feel the same, and for good reason. Like I said, too much has happened to make individualized, specific statements, and it’s insensitive to make big, sweeping statements across all of it. But my point is this: do not allow yourself to become numb, or complacent with suffering. We all suffer. We all feel pain, in some way or another. But there is no reason to feel that everything is simply depressing, and the news is too sad to look at, and the world is going to shit. Be intellectual. Be aware. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and have more than singular emotions surrounding complex ideas and situations. Be multi-faceted, be self-aware. It does get difficult, because there are so many important and pressing situations happening globally, but allow yourself to see the bad, as well as some of the good, and continue to care. Don’t just repost something on Instagram- be educated, be informed, and be cynical.
The second thing I want to talk about is some of the current mental state I know many of y’all are probably stewing in. Depression, anxiety, burnout, anger, resentment, confusion- whatever it is, I know you’re not alone. December is a difficult month, for many reasons. We all experience some form of burnout at the end of the year, so as we get closer and closer to the back half of December, it gets harder and harder to feel productive, to feel positive, to have energy to finish strong. The cold seeps into our bones, does weird shit to us. The upside is, there’s always reason to at least be a little excited about the end of the year. We get to see family (this one is ambiguous, however, so feel free to categorize it in the “difficult month” slot rather than “something to look forward to”). The holidays are an excuse to relax, watch bad movies, sit inside and do nothing. I know these things are privileges to focus on, and a luxury to say with optimism rather than dread, but try and find reasons to celebrate rather than commiserate. Even if it’s just the idea of 2022 being over so you have a chance to start over again with a new year, you have reason to be glad that it’s December.
Be kind to yourself. I hear a lot of people I know, young and old, being unreasonably hard on themselves. The voice in your head is designed to make you self-doubt and second-guess yourself, and while it’s helpful to have a cynical voice, it’s not helpful to have self-sabotage. We confuse negativity with natural second-guessing or realism, and I find myself doing a lot of the same. Walk the line of healthy self-confidence and egotism, with self-awareness and trust in your intuition.
On that note of ego vs. confidence, I’ve been in the college process for a few months now, and am mostly done with the worst of it. Although there have been some bright spots, and I’ve been able to focus on more than just college and schoolwork, it’s been one of the most stressful periods of my life. It’s partially self-induced pressure, but the direct reminder of looming adulthood, mandatory self-sufficiency, and a shit-ton of work are somewhat out of my control. A lot of important life lessons have come from college application season, but there’s been a heavy cost on my mental (and physical) health. However, I’ve had to remind myself to not get jaded: I have the immense privilege of being able to go to college, along with many other privileges that most people struggle to make a possibility for themselves. Though this process has been extremely difficult, I’m still incredibly grateful that I’m able to put many things aside and focus on my access to higher education, and a very expensive one at that. At the same time, though, I’ve learned a few incredibly important lessons I wanted to share with the class.
The first thing is that I’ve learned that self-awareness isn’t necessarily something you’re born with, and you’re capable of improving on it. Because I’ve been required to write many, many essays about myself, I’ve had to (somewhat overly self-consciously) be self-aware of my own self-awareness. I’ve also heard from most of my friends that their own self-awareness has been on their mind, for the same reason, so I was able to talk to other sympathetic minds about their struggles. For all of us, examining ourselves has become a requirement, and it’s been interesting, yet confusing for me. I know I’ve always had some form of self-awareness, but even though it’s been an incredibly stressful process, I took every essay as an opportunity to learn a little bit more about myself. Who do I want to be? What kind of stories am I drawn to? Because the essays were going towards an important future, I paid attention to the areas of myself where I felt driven to be more honest, or the areas I felt nervous to be vulnerable about myself. I was able to grow that strength of self-awareness, not only in knowledge of who I am, but who I want to be.
Another thing I found highly important to learn is the ability to know when and where to trust myself. This is a more delicate balance, because it can lead to unpleasant mistakes. And while mistakes are a welcome part of the process for me, it’s still good to do your best to avoid them. I found myself making many decisions, whether big or small, and often I had to decide what I know best for myself, but there were also times when I had to admit that it was time to ask for guidance. I sometimes regretted not asking for help sooner, but again, it was important to make those mistakes so that I knew when and where to trust my own advice. When the time comes to make the decision between colleges, I know it’s ultimately going to be my decision, and that I’m going to have to trust myself, but I also know that I value the opinions of the people around me.
Finally, a lesson I’ve learned most recently, and not necessarily from the college process, is one I knew already, but needed to be reminded of: listen. Now, this is a rather broad idea, but let me unpack it a little. When I say listen, I firstly mean listen to yourself. I had to remind myself to look and listen inward, see what I need mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. A big part of self-care and healing for me is actually trying to figure out what self-care looks like for me when I know I really need it, and the only person who can tell me what I need is me. Big shocker. When I say listen, I also mean listen to the people around you. One thing I’ve been trying to work on recently is listening actively, not passively. There’s a difference between hearing your friend talk about their problems, and actually understanding why, how and what they mean when they’re talking about their problems. I recently heard someone refer to this active listening as “actually listening, and not just waiting for a break in the conversation so they can speak.” Actively listen to the people who you love. And when I say listen, I mean listen to good music. I know this is basic, and possibly repetitive to people reading and arts and music blog, but just listen to some fucking good music. Yes, it’s the holidays, so listen to some seasonal tunes, but try listening to something you really haven’t heard before, or haven’t heard in a while. “american dream” by LCD Soundsystem. “Nymph” by Shygirl. “Disentegration” by The Cure. Just listen to some goddamn good music, and stop letting rain noises or Deftones be the shame of your Spotify Wrapped.
These lessons are ones I’m still working on, they’re just the ones that are most prominent and important to me right now. I know they’re life-long lessons, but I’m doing my best to start the process right now, and find reasons and opportunities to grow (I am fully aware I sound insufferably annoying right now). Hopefully my writing here is a good reminder for you as well, and maybe it even inspires you to think of some personal goals or lessons. Either way, those are some of the things I’ve been tinkering with internally.
I really am sorry about not being able to write y’all, and I do wish I’d had more time and brain power to do so. Like I said, I took a break to focus on some other things, and although I’d wished I didn’t have to, there were many, many things that required my more immediate attention, and unfortunately for an extended period of time. It was important to me that I not spread myself too thin. However, I’m getting to be in a much better place, and though I’m still not totally 100% mentally, I have the time and enthusiasm to be more timely with writing here. I miss talking to y’all, and one of my goals in the new year is to be on track with replying people. Please email me! I’m incredibly excited to hear from you, and I’ve missed hearing your lovely voices.
I know many of you are struggling right now (myself included lol), and I know some are pretty happy. I know some are feeling a bit of both. It’s been an odd sort of year. However, this will not be my last post ever, and definitely not my last post of the year. I’m sticking around to bother y’all a little while longer. Even if you’re struggling right now, I’m here for you, and I wish you all the very best. Like ads on a non-premium Spotify subscription that you refuse to upgrade, you can’t get rid of me.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. And who am I? That’s one secret you’ll never know. Xoxo, Siouxsie (I’ve wanted to do that for a little too long now).
P.P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!