Lost
Dear Siouxsie,
Look, I know it’s only the first week of the year, but I feel like I’m already having an internal crisis. I’m almost 20, I’m in the middle of college, and I still don’t think I know who I am. At the very least, I don’t know how to feel about myself, or who to figure out the inner core of myself. A lot of people around me seem to understand why they like the movies and music they do, and why their major makes sense to them, and what they’re looking for in a relationship. I know it’s only because they want everyone around them to think that, but I genuinely have no idea what I want. Or who I want to be, exactly. I know it’s all a life-long process, but I’m sick of feeling confused and having to second-guess all of my decisions. How am I supposed to know what’s right and wrong when I don’t even know what clothes I want to wear?
Sincerely,
Lost
Dear Lost,
Here’s the thing: even if those people who seem to know exactly who they are actually know who they are, they’re still doing their best to make you think that. Nobody’s supposed to have it all together, or know what movies are good, or what music is right for them, or read the right books, or even feel confident in what major they’re taking. None of those things are absolute. None of those things are finite or even objectively correct. As someone who’s turning 18 this year, it’s been deeply confusing for me to adamantly tell colleges and professional adults who I am, while at the same time not having a single fucking clue where exactly my life will go. The truth is, nobody has any idea where their life will go, in the end. I find some comfort in knowing that the future is entirely up in the air at all times, and everyone’s individual life stories will go in unprecedented directions.
And no, it’s not too early in the year to have an internal crisis. I would say you’re actually in the vast majority of people scrambling to appear collected and calm, while their internal monologue sounds something like, “Holy fuck what the hell am I supposed to be doing I’m getting older/feeling too young/don’t know how to feel about aging and when will I finally feel organized is my bank account looking okay”. I mean, maybe that’s just me, but I feel somewhat confident in saying that most people, no matter their age (except for maybe children, and/or the very rich) are having some confusing thoughts about where their life is heading right now. This year is going to be the third year since the beginning of the pandemic, my and many others’ graduating year, the year people retire, move cities, quit their jobs, break up, buy a house. Again, all our life paths are taking new and often unforeseen turns. You know about some of it, other things are unpleasant or surprising.
Not to sound pretentious, but the thing I’m thinking about right now is books. Recently I’ve noticed the motif of perception of self in books I’ve been reading, though that’s my own bias because I’m in that sort of headspace. In “The Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde, Basil Hallward paints a beautiful portrait of Dorian Gray, and though it starts as a beautiful reflection of the handsome young man, Gray is tormented by what it begins to represent to him: how he appears to others, how his agelessness in the painting will come to taunt him, the way the man on the canvas starts to gain its own personality. I don’t want to spoil the entire book (although y’all probably know, or can guess), but Dorian’s obsession with this external, physical reminder of himself, and how he appears to others, is ultimately his downfall. The story was a little too poignant and well-timed for me, as it wrestles with themes of innocence, youth, and self-reflection as a way of self-sabotage. But the point stands: the obsession of self-image isn’t healthy, nor is it a helpful quest. If we were all meant to constantly think about how we appear to others, then Oscar Wilde wouldn’t have written the book, and neither would the other legions of writers who have pondered this topic. The Google search “how do i know if people like me” generates 12,710,000,000 results, and autofilled the rest of the sentence for me by the time I’d typed the word “if”.
To be fair, this is an unnecessarily maudlin reflection of who we are as humans and how we self-sabotage, so I definitely feel like I’m trying to impress my AP English teacher right now, but I do say all of this with sincerity. The moral is: trying to see yourself only through others’ eyes isn’t the point of life. I can’t tell you what the point of life is, obviously, but I can tell you, spending your energy trying to figure out what other people like or dislike and why you should agree with them, is a useless endevour. Especially at the point where you are, one where you’re somewhat vulnerable to others’ opinions. I’m not telling you to completely ignore everyone else's opinions, but there’s a point where it becomes an endless list of what to like or dislike, and really only to appease the people around you. Don’t let your opinions be composed only of other’s opinions, I think, is what I’m trying to say here.
I think we’ve all found ourselves in this position, Lost, and I think your pseudonym here is actually perfectly chosen. Your inner soul, intuition, that deepest core, is there inside you, you just have to find a connection to it. I feel most disconnected from myself when I’m mentally unstable, or just ungrounded, and the most important thing, for me, is to take care of myself first. When you’re disconnected from yourself, it’s impossible to reconnect without gentleness and clarity, which will require some self care. Go to bed earlier, for fuck’s sake. Drink water. Say no to some social events and make yourself dinner at home. Eat more kale or sea moss or whatever the Erewhon cult is saying now. Just do your best to take a bit of a break so you can concentrate internally. I always think of it as a sort of reset, some time on holiday, so I can cut out some external distractions. So focus on relaxation and simply taking care of you.
To me, a lot of knowing what I want, think, like, dislike, or feel is a bit like putting on a blindfold. Instead of looking to those I want validation from, or someone I feel the need to impress or emulate, what are my hands drawn to? What’s causing me to pick up that book instead of the one next to it, or pick that sweater over the others? Sort out the difference between your choices and opinions, and the ones you’ve adopted from other people. There’s nothing wrong with sharing other people’s opinions, but when are you blindly believing them, and when are you actually agreeing with them? Ask the important questions, almost like a self-assessing, moral pop quiz. Sometimes it takes a little longer to understand why we’re drawn to certain things, or why we are the way we are, but I’ve realized that sometimes, all it takes is simply posing the question to yourself, and then you’re hit with the realization that no, I genuinely do not care that the person at Starbucks gave me a judgemental look for ordering a venti Pink Drink with a shit ton of extra strawberries. I’m literally never going to see them again, and I don’t even know them, so why should I feel bad for liking a drink that looks like Peptol Bismol’s gay cousin? And so on and so forth, about all the other things we judge each other about. Really, what’s so bad about someone not approving of you? You’re not going to die, and they’re the weird ones for judging you so harshly. Be willing to be judged, because you do it to other people already, and literally, what’s the worst that’s going to happen?
The truth is that yes, this is going to be a life-long process. I can’t tell you who you are, your friends can’t tell you who you are, even your parents can’t tell you who you are. Of course, people can make assumptions about you, or do their best to accurately describe you, but there is truly nobody who can tell you exactly who you are, except for, well, you. It might take days, weeks, months, years- hell, you might be lying on your deathbed, thinking, “Damn, did I really even find Casablanca worth watching, or did I just watch it because that one hot cinephile told me it was life-changing?” And while that isn’t the most uplifting statement, per say, it allows you legions of time to explore all of yourself, and legions of time to grow and change. You can figure out what the core of you is made up of, and where your intuition leads you, I promise. And if you don’t, that’s okay too- nobody is holding you to this, except yourself, so keep the stakes low, and remind yourself you’re not obligated to have it all figured out, or even be able to explain it all in words. Just keep trying.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!