Dreading
Dear Siouxsie,
My best friend is having a party next weekend, and I was really excited to tell her I’d be going, but after I asked her who was coming, I’m not so sure I want to go anymore. She invited someone who I really don’t like that much, and I know this person and my best friend are somewhat close, but I just don’t want to be around this person, for a number of reasons. I don’t want to flake and say I can’t come, but the idea of being around this unpleasant person makes me really uncomfortable. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Dreading
Dear Dreading,
This has happened to me a few times now (not because I have multiple people I don’t want to be around), simply because friend groups are complicated, and it’s always a bit of a conundrum. There are some people who you simply don’t want to be around, for whatever reason, and it’s sometimes impossible to avoid them entirely, because social functions are complicated, and people can be annoying. However, you have a few different options, so let’s break this down and try to figure out which one you should take.
The first thing you can do is bail on the party. Personally, I loathe canceling plans, especially ones I’m looking forward to, and while it’s a lot easier to cross an event off your schedule than it is to add one on, it’s a lot more painful. Your best friend invited you because she wants to be around you, and because she values your personality and presence, which I think is a good thing. Everyone likes being invited to a party, because it means that someone likes you enough that they want to exist around you on purpose. And your friend did just that. So, in this case, I think it would be rude to cancel on your friend. You can always say an excuse that blames someone else, like an annoying aunt making birthday plans, or, alternately, “my asshole doctor wants to check on that broken arm :/”, but often people see through the cracks and realize that there’s some other reason you’re canceling, whether they respect that or not.
But here’s the thing: this person, this unpleasant person ruining your planning schedule, might be so fucking awful that you truly don’t want to exist around them. And if you were to bail on this party, you’d feel bad about canceling, but you’d also have to exist around the human equivalent of Satan’s left ass cheek. (Which might be less unpleasant than it seems, now that I think about it, but let’s not focus on half of the devil’s BBL). If this person is really gonna ruin your night, then don’t go. Sometimes when I feel god-awful about canceling plans, I schedule a separate plan for another day, so I can still spend time with the person I love, just on a different day. So maybe don’t go to the party, but find time to be around your best friend another time.
However, if you do choose to go to the party, you might want to talk to your friend beforehand. Let her know that you might avoid the unpleasant person, and that you’re feeling a little lukewarm about being around them, so you’re just going to not hang out with the aforementioned asshole that night. Don’t make your friend uninvite the asshole, because that’s a dick move, and makes your friend do something gross, but just let her know that you might be a little distant at times. You might want to have this conversation with your friend, but sometimes people get that you’re in a weird social situation. Your best friend probably knows you’re not happy around this unpleasant person, but it’s her party, and she has the right to invite who she wants, as unpleasant as they may be.
And if you do end up going, tread lightly. If this party is 4 people sitting in a circle, holding hands, and talking about their feelings, it most definitely will be impossible to avoid the unpleasant person, but if the party is like 20 people listening to shitty music in someone’s backyard, then you’re probably going to be able to avoid the asshole. Make sure you find someone at the party to hang out with who understands that you don’t want to be around that person, and stick with them. I’ve done this a few times, and also at parties where I don’t know anyone. I come with one or two friends, and hang around them until I feel more comfortable to roam (or I hang onto them like a leech). Most people feel awkward at parties as it is, so don’t worry too much that you might look like you’re actively avoiding someone- most people won’t notice.
We can’t control other people’s social circles and friend groups, as much as we try to advise against bad friends. I’ve given advice to friends before about their potential friendships, and watched as they completely ignored that advice, made the friendship, and then got hurt over it. You can do your best to live your own life, with people you want to be around, but inevitably you’ll have to be around someone who you’re not very excited about, and that’s how it is. I was talking to a few people the other day, who’re in their late 30s, and I was telling them about how I often feel lost in social groups, because I feel like most people my age are focused on things I find pretty useless and pointless. They chuckled at this, and when I asked why, one of them explained, “Most of life is figuring out who has the same interests and passions as you, and in that process you have to avoid and weed out a lot of…” He paused for a second, and then said finally, “...A lot of annoying people.” “Idiots,” I supplied, and he nodded.
Socially, we need to be around people. We’re designed that way. And as much as I’d like to Google-seach up who exactly I want to be around, so I can avoid unpleasant people, life doesn’t work like that- we’re not robots. So even though this person is causing you some stress and annoyance, it’s important to recognize that this is part of life. It’s not the most fun thing in the world, but things could be a lot worse. And even if you’re sitting in the car on the way over cursing your choice to go, at least put on a good face and try to look forward to something. If you go and spend the entire night complaining and moaning about how annoying that person is, guess what? You’re being annoying too! And people won’t want to be around you. When someone is making a minor inconvenience the main event of the night, it’s exhausting and annoying to be around them, and people stop making excuses: you’re not being pleasant to be around.
So even though it’s ultimately up to you, I think the right decision is to go and have a good time. When I’m going to something I’m not excited about, I try and find something to look forward to: wearing a cute outfit, seeing someone cool I like, free snacks- whatever it is, try and look forward to it. Because if you were to show up and be exhausting to be around, you’re ruining your friend’s party, and making her regret her decision to invite you. And as much as I would like to tell you to force the asshole to bail at the last minute by contracting a terrible case of syphilis and needing to go to that pesky doctor, you need to be a good friend and show up. In fact, showing up to this party will let your friend know how much her friendship means to you. Her social circle might be a fucking annoying hurdle, but you can’t control that, and she can invite who she wants. Unless she mentioned that, like, Tucker Carlson was on the guest list. Fuck him. Go home.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!