Undateable
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m a 28-year-old living in LA, and even though it feels silly to talk to you (not to be rude, but I’m not sure how much a sixteen-year-old knows about this kind of thing), I need some of your confidence. I’ve had a lot of trouble dating recently, in the sense that I feel like nobody really wants to go on a date with me. I’m not desperate for a relationship, but I’m just starting to feel like it’ll be a really long time before I find someone who actually is attracted to me. All my friends tell me how fun I am to be around, and their partners are really supportive and try to connect me with other people, but I just feel like dating isn’t possible for me. How am I giving up hope already? Will anyone find me dateable?
Sincerely,
Undateable
Dear Undateable,
Hello to all of the millennials reading this! As much as I will try, I might show my age and slip some millennial slander into this response. I’m sorry! Just #adulting over here. (Sorry. Too soon?) I know it’s probably weird to hear a teenager talk about issues that normally are way above my age, or speculate about a dating pool I’m not in, so you’re right, I don’t have as much experience with dating in your late twenties and beyond. However, I do recognize a lot of the issues you’re struggling with here, and I want to give you the best advice I can, which will involve a lot of mediocre teenage relationships. Forgive my ignorance.
First of all, referring to yourself as Undateable tells me a lot about your outlook on this issue. You’re not undateable, it is possible to date, and there is still hope left. Give yourself a little slack. If there are nearly 8 billion fucking people on the planet, there is absolutely at least one person who’s fun, hot, has a good personality, and is very much ready to date you. You just haven’t met them yet. If your mindset is one of immediate negativity, and you feel like giving up, you’re not going to get very far, because you’re stuck in a loop of failure. Mindset is everything. I know several people who, to be blunt, aren’t the hottest humans alive, but they’re magnets for the most attractive people known to man. But they’re kind of obsessed with dating. They project confidence all the time, they think everyone’s attracted to them, and they flirt incessantly. It’s kind of baffling to me, but the point is, it’s not necessarily about how you look, it’s about how you think of yourself and your current situation.
As with most things I talk about on this advice column, it starts with internal reflection. When I read your email, I saw a lot of things to unpack, so let’s start with your confidence. Imagine someone you know who’s confident and easygoing around people- personally, I think of my friend, who I’ll call Cassie. Cassie’s somewhat quiet, but she never apologizes for being herself, she’s confident, she likes meeting new people, and she never shies away from a social situation. The funny thing is, she once told me she’s actually always nervous and insecure in social situations. She said that when she first met her now-girlfriend, all she could think about was how she was worried that the other girl wouldn’t like her. I was really surprised, because I’d been there when they’d met, and Cassie was confident, sure of herself, and made it clear she was interested in this other girl, who I’ll call Lydia. They were flirting all night at the party we were at, and by the end of the night, they’d exchanged numbers and were having a good conversation. But Cassie told me, “I was really, really nervous, because she was so pretty, and I was scared I was going to say something to mess up our conversation.” Then I asked her how it ended up being a good result (they went on a date a week later). She explained, “I was really kind of faking it. I made myself walk up to her and smile, even though what I really wanted to do was run away in fear. But she smiled back at me, and I just kept thinking, ‘Be confident, be confident.’”
See what I mean? It wasn’t about what she wore, or how she kept making eye contact or whatever- people respond to a presence, energy, a clear projection of confidence. Cassie ended up telling Lydia that she was really nervous on their first date, and was worried she’d say the wrong thing, but Lydia was adamant that Cassie had been fun and exciting to be around. I don’t think your problem here is being “undateable”, I think it’s that you classify yourself as “undateable”. If you’re talking about yourself like this, I don’t think it’s encouraging people to go on a first date with you.
And here’s the thing: relationships aren’t everything! If being single is really so bad, then this has nothing to do with how you are as a significant other, but how you feel internally. People who are uncomfortable with themselves and clearly can’t be content alone and independent aren’t fun to be around. If you find yourself identifying with any of these traits, it’s not time to go on a date, it’s time to start spending more time with yourself. What exactly is so uncomfortable about sitting alone with your thoughts? I personally benefit from leaning into fear and discomfort, rather than avoiding it. If you avoid what makes you uncomfortable, you’ll never make peace internally, and that’ll start fucking with more than just one aspect of you.
So ask yourself: what is it about dating that’s scaring you? What’s making you uncomfortable? What are you still holding onto, for no real reason? People who cling to ideas, memories, their uncomfortable past, etc. in a way are often stuck in a cycle of repetition: they seek to replicate the past, and fix it at the same time. But reliving the past to try and fix it in your mind won’t solve anything, it’ll just make it worse. So stop thinking about the past in a romanticized light, and be honest with yourself, rather than lying and making the same mistake again. I promise, once you start reflecting on how you present yourself, and the mindset you have, you’ll find yourself (and your dating life) improve.
The other thing I noticed when reading your email was this sentence: “I’m not desperate for a relationship, but I’m just starting to feel like it’ll be a really long time before I find someone who actually is attracted to me.” Okay, fair, but so what if you take a long time to find the right person? There’s plenty of people who will find you attractive (even if you’re convincing yourself otherwise), but you deserve a partner who’s right for you, someone who cares about and loves you. Instead of feeling the need to settle for someone, be of the mindset (that word again!) that the person who’s right for you is out there, and you’re not giving up to be with someone you’re just okay with. And not even just that one person! I guarantee it, there are a large number of people out there who are going to fall in love with you, and you’ll find them.
Now, I say all of this as a sixteen-year-old who’s not dating anyone right now, full transparency. But like I said before, internal peace and contentment is not necessarily about the people around you, but about how you’re treating yourself. Never compromise yourself, your mental health, or your body. If you realize you’re compromising yourself in some way, deeply consider whether or not it’s valuable enough to keep taxing yourself. You can only do and give so much before your body and mind start to give out. I can’t fully say I’m at the “internal peace” state of being, but I can say that I’m trying to stay on course to get there. If you aren’t already, now is the perfect time to get on track and start thinking internally. You may not get there immediately, but just keep going.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!