Backstabbed
Dear Siouxsie,
I was out at lunch the other day with one of my friends, and we were seated at a table and chatting in low tones when I heard one of my friends from school at another table behind me. The friend I was with doesn’t go to school with me, so my school friend at the other table didn’t recognize them, but I recognized her voice. At first, I was going to turn around and say hi to her, but then I heard my other friend talking to her, and they were complaining about me. They were both saying things like, “She’s so annoying and bitchy,” and “She thinks she’s our best friend but we’re not even close like that.” They kept saying how clingy I was, and that I think we’re best friends when they actually don’t like me. I was so crushed. If they were to bring this up to me face-to-face, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with what they were saying, but it felt so disheartening, and they were being really, really cruel. I was so furious that I had to leave lunch early. This was three days ago, and I’ve been avoiding them ever since, which is hard because we’re all in one big friend group. Or, at least, I thought we were. To be fair to them, I gossip behind their backs too, but the things they were saying were so vicious and cruel that it felt like a bad parody of “Mean Girls.” If they’d had a talk with me, or slowly drifted away from me in school, I’d have nothing wrong with that, but they always say things like, “You’re the most amazing friend I could ever have.” We literally gossip about everyone behind their backs together, but the things they were saying about me were completely out of line, and attacked everything from how “little” time I spend with them (I’m in Speech and Debate and am busy a lot of the time) to the way I treat my parents (my parents and I have a complicated relationship, that has a lot of trauma involved). It felt like they’d run me over with a tractor. Do I confront them? Do I ghost them? What should I do to get out of this terrible situation?
Sincerely,
Backstabbed
Dear Backstabbed,
For the love of fucking Christ, everyone: do not talk about people in public without making sure they’re not there. Everyone’s gossiped about their friends behind their back, yes, but just avoid doing it in loud voices and in a place where they might be (I have almost made this mistake several times, I can’t lie). I am truly so sorry that you happened to be there, because it’s not your fault, and that’s a rude awakening that nobody wants to have. Here’s the thing- and I hate saying this, but it’s true: those people just revealed to you who they really are, and they’ve now made it very clear what their actual intentions are. It hurts like someone shoved a plastic straw through your lower intestine, but those people are not being honest with you, and they snuck around behind your back to keep their lie intact. It fucking hurts.
But let me not be a hypocrite: I am a huge fan of gossip. Don’t lie to me or yourself: it’s very fun to have secrets and whisper shit at brunch in Cafe Gratitude on a Saturday morning over oatmilk matcha lattes. We all know this. The thing is, though, that they chose, instead of having an open discussion with you or even just some mild complaining, to say awful, targeted venom about you. That I have a major problem with. I have, many times over, sat with one of my friends and discussed our other friends, but I try to avoid gossiping maliciously behind people’s backs, because it’s just not okay. I don’t want to sound like I’m gratuitously stroking my own ego, because I’ve absolutely said nasty gossip about someone, but I generally try to talk about someone in a more constructive way.
Now, this sounds like something that doesn’t actually happen, but let me break it down: there is TOTALLY a time and place to rant about people, but most definitely in a private place. Healthy, chill gossip is a thing. But nasty bitching about someone else isn’t constructive or healthy for anyone. Journal all of your unpleasant thoughts, and then you can start thinking about a constructive, helpful plan to work on and improve a situation. If you need to do this with someone else, then that’s totally fine, but let’s learn from Backstabbed and not do it in public, or somewhere that the person of interest could. Have an open discussion and go forward with good intentions and transparency.
This situation, though it might not seem like it, is in your hands now. Not unlike finding out your significant other is cheating scum, you have three options: a) try and find a way to make it work, talk to them, have an open and honest discussion, b) say “fuck y’all, I’m out” and become 10x hotter like the god you are, or c) pretend like nothing’s wrong and act like it’s all normal. Look, I would tell you that the third option is the only bad one, but I can’t lie: these people have shown their true colors. Ask yourself: would you talk about someone else like that? I fucking hope not.
They made the choice to attack you like that, and they might not have known that you were listening, but even if they were to get on their hands and knees and beg for your forgiveness, they said what they said. And while I would usually say, “Oh, their intent might be different than their impact”- they said some fucked up shit, as I like to describe it. If they had ONLY talked about the way you treat them as friends, or your actions against them, then that’s something you might want to reflect on before talking to them. But they chose to bring your family into this, they chose to nitpick your own personal life, and they chose to be personal about it. They didn’t just cross the line, they leapt over it like a gym bro with too much pre-workout and steroids ravaging his peanut brain.
Can you tell which aforementioned option I’m pushing you to take?
You deserve better. Your friends just backstabbed you, and they’ve trashed the friendship and affection I’m sure you’ve given them. That’s just plain rude. So here’s what I think you should do: just stop being friends with them. I know you might be super close with them, and you might not have any other friends (although your friend from another school makes it sound like the opposite), but you need to surround yourself with people who will be honest with you and value your friendship. It’s a big step, I know. But reinventing yourself as the hot bitch you are is no easy work. It pays off, though. People who surround themselves with other good people are noticeably enjoyable to be around. They take care of themselves and the people around them, and their lives seem almost unattainable, but having gotten to know one or two of those people, they have simply learned how to enjoy and care for themselves.
True, everyone has their off-days, but taking care of yourself is a life-long commitment that I believe is really worth it. Whether that means cutting off your current friends and starting anew, or focusing more on Speech and Debate, or eating an entire cake alone and crying to Phoebe Bridgers, you do that, because you’re focused on you. (See the rest of my writing on this blog for self-care and support tips). You are stronger, more powerful, more internally and externally beautiful, and more capable than you think you are, however loud your self-doubt is.
Take the steps you want to take. If you only do part of what I described above, that’s totally okay. If you ditch your life, steal a car and set fire to SeaWorld tomorrow, I also think that’s totally okay. Do what feels right to you, and take the steps that feel intuitive to you, not the ones that feel like a knee-jerk reaction or impulsive. Definitely reflect on all of this, journal, talk to someone you can trust about all of this. Plan what you want to do and sleep on it so that you can wake up with confidence and a plan to fall back on. Trust in your own ideas and intelligence.
You might be scared. Actually, I’m sure you’re scared, because this is a scary situation. It’s not easy. And though it seems like the road forward might be impossible, breaking away from friends is something many, many people have done before you. In fact, you’ve probably done it yourself. My favorite Euphoria hot girl Maddy Perez said, “90% of life is confidence and the thing about confidence is no one knows if it’s real or not.” There have definitely been times for me where I have felt decimated by imposter syndrome, but I simply acted more confident than I actually was, and people listened to me anyways. You might not be that confident internally, but nobody except you knows that. All they see is a gorgeous, empowered person who is confident enough to be stronger without their shitty now-ex-friends.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!