Team Maddy
Dear Siouxsie,
My life is turning into “Euphoria” without drugs. My best friend recently told me he hooked up with my horrible ex-girlfriend (she’s bisexual), I think my girlfriend is interested in another girl (we’re both lesbians), and finally, to cap it all off, two of my other friends are clearly flirting with each other, even though they’re both dating other people. I am very, very sick of relationship drama, and at this point, I’d rather cut off a leg than sort out all of this. I want my girlfriend to love me again, and I want all of my other friends to stop liking each other. To be fair, I do have kind of a large friend group, so I understand that there's a lot of internal drama, but still- I’m so done with all of this. What should I do??
Sincerely,
Team Maddy
Dear Team Maddy,
Look, I want to read the room here: if you’re an adult over the age of like 23, Euphoria will make you depressed about teenagers. To be honest, I’m a teenager and it stresses me out. It’s kind of inaccurate for most high schoolers, but it’s also deeply accurate. So if you’re a legal adult, and you’re wondering, “Hmm, everyone’s watching Euphoria. I should watch it too! A new, fun, and stylish show for me to watch- this sounds like a good idea!”, you shouldn’t really watch it. It’s a lot. And it definitely reminds me of how dramatic us teenagers can be. We have a lot of petty drama, like the show, but I think the average teenagers don’t, like, have sex with our best friend’s kind-of ex and/or do coke in bathrooms at parties. Use your own discretion.
Now, Team Maddy, we can dissect a little bit of your life right now. This… sounds like a little bit of a fiasco. I don’t envy you, but I do admire your stance on this situation. I think you’re trying to do what’s best here, for yourself and others; you want a stable relationship, you want your best friend to avoid a shitty relationship, and you want your two other friends to stop semi-cheating on their respective significant others. That’s a pretty decent goal or hope for this situation, and I personally think that you should keep your own best interests in mind, because your best interests are not purely self-servient, so don’t change your mindset too much. You’re trying to be a good person.
Let’s break this down section by section, and going in chronological order of your description of events, your best friend hooked up with your ex-girlfriend. Good fucking lord. No thank you. I’m not sure what your ex did to be classified as “horrible”, but I’ll take your word for it and assume she’s a raging asshole. Normally, I would tell you to ignore it, and just let all of it slide so your best friend can make his own mistakes, but if you want to be the decent friend and try to steer him away from this girl, it might be helpful to do so.
Obviously this isn’t something you can totally control, and I wouldn’t try in any way to tell either party what to do exactly. I do think it’s important to note that, because controlling someone else’s choices isn’t usually what I’d call “the good friend route”, and I don’t want to sound like that’s what you should do. Suggest talking to your friend, or pull him aside at school and take a second to steer him away from your ex. Don’t go spreading rumors or backstabbing, even if she’s an asshole, just tell him you think it might not be the wisest choice. Again, you can only offer your own opinion, and just tell him to be cautious going forward. If you really think he’s in some kind of danger and any kind of relationship with her would be a bear trap, then be blunt with him and tell him that it wouldn’t be good for either of them to continue seeing each other. It’s perfectly all right to have hooked up once and then part ways, and he has the right to tell her that. Just steer your friend in the right direction, wish him well, and let him make his own decisions.
Okay, next you were talking about your girlfriend, but I want to jump ahead and talk about your two friends who’re pining for each other. Now, I think this is a particularly sticky situation because so many people are involved. There’s usually a certain line crossed, when two people are flirting with each other and it starts to get more than just casually being cute about it, and that’s when people get into trouble, because feelings would get hurt in this situation. Unfortunately, this situation is similar to the last with your best friend and ex: you cannot control what happens, and you can only offer your own advice and help. I do think it’s not a bad idea to have a little chat with one of the friends in this situation, and maybe you can just gently mention their flirty behavior with the other person in the situation. Be cautious, and be willing to respect their boundaries if they don’t really want to talk about it, but you can still bring it up.
Feelings get hurt when two people leave their partners for each other. It’s a common cliche, but that doesn’t make it any less weird, awkward, or uncomfortable. I personally think that you should stay out of this situation if you can. If they do end up breaking up with their respective partners and starting a new relationship, it’s not your fault, or really your problem. As hard as it might sound to just leave it alone, if you get involved, the level of drama will reach a new height and become kind of unmanageable. I don’t speak from personal experience but I can tell you that even trying to describe the number of possible good and bad situations to come out of that outcome would be endless.
It’s up to the two people flirting with each other to make their own decisions. They might just be flirting with each other, and nothing might come of it, but they might leave their current partners, pull a Nate and Cassie, and entirely fuck up both of their lives (non-Euphoria-watchers I am sorry for the number of references I’m making that you can’t understand). There’s no predicting it, and really, there’s no controlling it. I really just think you have to let them make their own decisions, and support everyone involved. Unless one of them pulls a Nate. Then you can burn them alive.
I guess what I’m saying about these two situations is to pick your battles. Where exactly can you fight your hardest, and why would it be worth it to do so? How can you treat people with as much empathy and kindness as possible? How can you best avoid drama and lasting conflict? Over everything, choose love, lasting love, and avoid outright drama. Because ultimately what will that get you? The answer: fucking nil.
And finally, let’s talk about your girlfriend. This is the situation that I’m sure is the most imminent in your mind, because your relationship is your’s, not your best friend’s, or either of your two flirty friends’. This is the situation that hurt most to read about. I don’t want to deny your feelings, but your girlfriend might not be interested in someone else, she might just be acting weird. Long term relationships are full of ups and downs. Lasting ones have the highest highs, and the lowest lows, because you’ve stuck together through thick and thin and that means a lot of work and care.
Before anything else, don’t assume the worst. Test the waters. Try telling your girlfriend you want to spend more time together, and you feel like you’re pulling apart. Be willing to work through this weird, tough spot. It might just have been a weird period where neither of you were as in tune with your relationship, and then that period ended, and you grew closer together again. Really, it might just be that. I would start here, and go forward with the intention of improving and growing in this relationship, because you have the opportunity for that.
But sometimes there are real fuckups. Your girlfriend might be actually interested in someone else, as much as I hate to say it. Like I said before, I wouldn’t assume this, but if your intuitions are correct, and you’re not overreacting, then it’s time to have a big kid conversation and talk. I’m saying that this conversation you’d be having is one that you would only bring up if you were absolutely dead set on the fact, not just the worry, that your girlfriend isn’t as interested in you as she was. And that conversation you have with her has two outcomes: either you stay in a relationship or you don’t. Either outcome means a lot of emotional work. I can’t tell you any other way. And I’m really, really sorry if it has to come down to that conversation, because that’s not an easy one to have.
Go into that conversation with an open mind and an open heart. I say that a lot, because I feel like it’s a good mindset to have when you’re nervous or unsure. The best opportunity for empathy and growth is often a really difficult situation. Normally, when something goes wrong, we’re apt to be negative, make petty or spiteful decisions, and sometimes worsen the situation. Instead of doing that, use your Uno reverse card and be as kind, respectful, supportive, and empathetic as possible. Even if it’s the most horrible person you’ve ever met, treat them with respect and kindness, and fight the urge to be Regina George, or, going with the Euphoria theme, Maddy in Season 1 and most of Season 2. Just be as good of a human as you can.
Never lose sight of yourself. This cannot be easy or doable for you, so remember to take care of yourself as well. Take a break from the drama before you dive into it and have a weekend alone. Take care of your body and mind, go outside, be with people who don’t make you want to cut off a leg. I know people who say shit like this are really annoying, but drink a lot of water, moisturize your body, and journal. It might be a pain in the ass, but trust me, you’ll feel better after you force yourself to slow down and relax for two days. And I know this got really long, and kind of yoga-instructor-from-Santa-Monica-y at the end, but as I tell y’all a lot, you’re the ones who’re still reading this shit. To be fair, I’m the loser writing it.
Before I go, a final note on the importance of compassion: Toni Morrison- “Inviting compassion into the bloodstream of an institution’s agenda or a scholar’s purpose is more than productive, more than civilizing, more than ethical, more than humane; it’s humanizing.”
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com so that I can send you more vaguely useful ramblings from my brain!
P.P.S. #fexi