Alone
Dear Siouxsie,
I know a lot of people are going through the same thing right now, and I also know there are a lot bigger problems than mine, but I’m really lonely in this pandemic. I’m scared to go to restaurants or shops, and that was usually how I hung out with friends (except for school). I’m lonely all the time, and it’s really hard to reach out to people because it’s so awkward and weird. I have three close friends who I actually keep contact with, but I feel so isolated and alone. I also always look at instagram and see all these people who look like they’re doing so much better, and do fun things at home or outdoors. I’m really lonely, Siouxsie, and it feels like I’m going to be stuck in this sad loop.
Sincerely,
Alone
(TW/ mention of suicidal ideation)
Dear Alone,
This sucks. I’m sorry. I know what you’re going through, and I also know exactly how you feel. I really, really wish I could say I know how much longer until you can see all of your friends and re acclimate to the world, but I can’t say, and even many experts are unsure as well. But there are still ways to feel less alone, even when you’re very very very alone in your house. So, as per usual, I’ll tell you a story about being alone.
I was in 9th grade when the pandemic hit, and I felt totally fine in online school for the end of my freshman year. I was free to do what I wanted, and take my time going about my life. But the week after school ended, I had a complete and utter breakdown. There was no shape or structure to my life, I couldn’t see anyone, and I felt so broken, alone and isolated that I almost started thinking about ending my own life. The one thing that kept me going was very short and very simple: people depend on you to stay here with them. The only thing that was sure was that even though you may not be in constant contact with your friends, family, and even vague acquaintances, they value you and your existence in this world. They value you, your journey, your personality, your assistance, even simply your presence. Remember that you are valued, no matter how bad you feel, or how hard it is to realize that you have a valued and important place in this world.
So for nearly a week, I was digging myself a new and what seemed like endless rock bottom. I was angry, unhappy, and wished I could just sleep until the summer was over. I had nothing. At the end of the week, when I looked back on the week, I realized the waste of life I had made, and it shocked me. I had allowed myself to sink into a well of misery, and the only thing that was going to change that was my own choice to leave that well, and pull myself up. It felt like I was removing the heaviest, ugliest, most disgusting coat from the back of the Shein sale rack where they now keep that swastika necklace. I forced myself to get up in the morning, eat good food that actually made my body happy, and find a form of exercise that made me feel less gross. I planned weekly outings: getting coffee with a parent, going to the beach, taking a hike. I even reached out to a friend, hard as it was, and forced past the awkwardness and discomfort to good conversations, honesty, and a friend to rely on. I kept reminding myself: I am not alone in this world- I am valued, I am important, and my place in this world is still important, even though it may feel like it’s on pause.
Your life is still going, Alone. You have this great opportunity to both work on yourself and remind yourself that you’re still a part of this world. Take baby steps: call a friend, and be honest: “I know this might be awkward, but we’re all really lonely right now, and I thought it might be nice to talk.” I assure you, all of your friends are having many of the same feelings of isolation and misery. Commiserate. Be honest, be open, and start fresh. It may be hard, but I promise it’ll be rewarding. I also recommend starting over a few things: what type of music you listen to, the clothes you wear day by day (yes this is a promotion to buy new clothes and not just sweatpants), the food you eat (yes I’m also advising you to have more fresh and healthy food), etc. Be kind to your body and mind, and start making little plans to call people, to chat in someone’s backyard or a local park, and once a week, plan something for yourself. On Saturday nights once a month, I lock myself in the bathroom and take a bath (not creepy you pervert). I watch a movie that makes me happy and generally take care of myself without guilt while lying in a hot and cozy bath. Try something like that, once a week, that doesn’t make you feel guilty about your choices. I also think that sometimes, self care is kind of uncomfortable. I was once eating a sad pb&j at the counter and feeling miserable, then realized I was taking shit care of myself and made myself a tasty salad. It vastly improved my day because I realized that I was going down a depressive spiral and made a choice to feed myself healthy food, even though I’m really lazy, because I was helping my body function. That’s also self-care, along with baths and eating cucumbers and doing exercise (everyday!! Please for the love of God) and skincare.
This will all help you rewind and restart your life a little bit, and that will also help you to reach out to others. Stop scrolling through Instagram. Stop it. Text or call a random friend. DM a random person who looks cool. Honestly, Alone, it’s up to you to realize how lonely we all are, and how grateful someone would be to have someone like you who wants to reconnect with friends. I FaceTime friends a lot, and it’s really helpful for me to remind myself that I have really nice and supportive friends, and I’m sure you do too. In short, you have the upper hand now, and I’m telling you to grab life by the balls and pull yourself up high enough to slap it in the face.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie