Bad at Flirting
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m a teenage guy, and I know it’s not a great time to date anyone, but I want to know how to talk to girls. I don’t know how to even start a conversation, and I’m always worried that I come off too sarcastic or uninterested, or worse, just not fun to be around. My friends just seem to know what to do, and when I ask for advice, they don’t really help me out, and it’s not their fault. What do I do? How do I even ask a girl on a date, or talk to her about anything?
Sincerely,
Bad at Flirting
Dear Bad at Flirting,
I do think you have a good point about having trouble dating right now- where I live, things are just starting to get back to normal, and so you definitely can’t do as much as you’d like, but I’d still encourage you to get some practice on dating while there are very little consequences.
Okay, let’s start with the basics: how do I ask a girl out? If we’re talking about straight, cis men, y’all are struggling. I’m sorry. It’s true. In truth, dating is often a topic we all overthink, but addressing the cishetero men in the room: just treat us like human beings, for fuck’s sake. If you want to ask a girl out, but don’t really know her, I’d recommend replying to Instagram stories of hers, and generally getting friendly, and not necessarily too personal or too creepy. Chances are, it’s easy to tell if she’s interested in you. If she seems willing to keep up a conversation, pitch the idea of FaceTime, especially on weekends, so you can have fun late night calls. If she says no, then respect her decision and back off a bit. Don’t overthink it, just text or DM. Be comfortable, be casual, and stop playing hard to get. It’s frustrating for anyone, no matter gender or sexuality. The more upfront you are about how you feel, the better it is. So just text her, Bad at Flirting! Or DM her!
I don’t think it’s helpful necessarily to tailor this advice to a non-COVID or COVID world, so I’ll just give some general tips. If you do succeed in getting the chance to talk face-to-face with a girl you like, or on FaceTime, come prepared. Recall previous conversations, and bring up the topic again. Here’s an example of some talking points:
“I actually think you know my friend so-and-so, how did you guys meet?”
“I think you said you’re a volleyball player, how long have you been doing that?”
“How was school for you today? I hate online/actual/any kind of school.”
Etc., etc. She’ll notice that you remembered your previous conversations, and like with all humans, it’s nice to know that someone cares enough to recall previous conversations, and spend time thinking about you. Honestly, just talk to her like a person, Bad at Flirting. You know how to do that, right?
Also- don’t give responses that end the conversation. If she says, “I really like tennis, actually,” don’t just say, “Cool.” What the fuck kind of a response is that? Even if you loathe tennis to the point where the smell of those neon balls of hatred give you heartburn, still reply. Jesus Christ. “I really like tennis, I play a lot.” “Haha, I actually hate tennis. Hope you don’t crucify me for it!” There you go! A decent conversation, and a decent response. It gives her a chance to ask further questions, and you can complain about something. Win-win.
In general, don’t worry about how you appear to others, both physically and in general. If you find yourself getting self-conscious about how you’re talking, switch topics to one that you feel passionate about, like your hobbies or something. And if it’s awkward, say something! Don’t just let the silence hang there like a depressed rabbit, start talking. I actually often say, “Cue the weird, awkward silence” out loud a lot, and it usually lessens a bit of the tension. I also think it’s really great to plan an activity when you hang out, like a picnic, a movie (if possible), or just going to a place where there are things to do. I think you’ll be okay, Bad at Flirting, and I think you should trust both your instincts and the process. Just be upfront about how you feel, and don’t be shy about telling her you like her.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. I encourage you all to email me with anything- my email is desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com. Feel free to email me about whatever you want advice on.
P.P.S. This isn’t Lana pretending to have some other friend. We’ve gotten some people asking if “it’s really just Lana pretending someone else is writing the column.” No, I am a real, separate person from Lana, y’all. Okay, that’s all. Hugs!