Anxious
Dear Siouxsie,
Hi, I’m a highschool girl and well, I’ll just cut to the chase. See, I have been friend’s with this girl (we can call her Sara) since fourth grade, and we have always been pretty close. Recently, however, she has been getting into stuff and pressuring me to do it with her. For example, when she started smoking, she kept asking me to smoke with her even though I kept saying no. I’ve tried to be very clear that I am in no way judging her, but that it’s just not for me. I don’t know how to communicate with her about it. What do you think?
Best,
Anxious
Dear Anxious,
First of all: nobody can tell you what to do with your body, or the choices you make to “have fun” or “relax a little”. If you’re talking about weed, then you’re choosing to release control over your mental capacity and possibly make decisions that are unsafe or stupid. Sara is not being respectful of the decisions you’ve made clear to her, and that’s definitely not what you want to have. However: I personally don’t think a literal teenager should be smoking (weed or nicotine). It’s harmful to your developing brain, and it can permanently damage your brain cells. I heavily advise you not to do this, no matter what she (or anyone else) says.
I have one big rule in life: I’m not reckless, I’m impulsive. If you feel safe, comfortable, and are willing to have a good time, accept whatever invitation is being offered to you. But if you know that it’s a bad decision, or you don’t know who the person is, or if you’re not feeling great (sickness or just tiredness), or some combination of all three, DO NOT DO WHATEVER IT IS. In short: don’t be stupid, be adventurous. Easy example: You’re at a party, and you’ve been talking to some guy for like an hour and having a good conversation. You realize, “I don’t have a ride home, and it’s almost 11 at night- I should go home.” The random guy offers you a ride, saying, “I can drive, no worries! Hey, by the way- do you want to stop at a food place on the way home? I’m kind of hungry.” You say, okay, sure, and go to this random man’s car.
What the hell is wrong with you? Let’s examine what went wrong here. First of all, ensure that you have a ride home. Don’t set yourself up for a bad and/or stressful time. Second of all, do not trust random people to take you home! Period! Get your parent or guardian, or a trusted friend’s parent or guardian to drive you home. Don’t last-minute call an Uber, and especially don’t trust some dude who could be a serial killer with an uncomfortable foot fetish. It’s not fun, and I don’t think you want that creepy man to lick your big toe while you bleed out on a concrete floor.
I’m not saying we’re even gonna be able to go to parties soon or get stabbed by some weirdo, I’m just saying that the answer here is to know where to draw the line. Your friend Sara, however great a person she is or whoever she is, is not doing a great job of being a friend. Your answer when she offers to smoke will not change, however many times she asks it, and to be honest, I have no time for people who don’t recognize my boundaries. If she asks you again, be firm. “I told you that I’m not comfortable doing that, and it honestly makes me uncomfortable that you would even keep asking. Please respect my boundaries.” It’s very simple. She should not be asking again, and if she does, stop hanging out with her. Send her the message: I am not willing to put myself in this situation again where you try to force me to lose control, or do something that makes me feel gross. I think it’s an easy situation with an easy answer, but I understand that feelings can get hurt when you continually rebuff her. But you’ve made your case, and also, this is a choice about you and your health. You have every right to put your foot down, Anxious. If Sara gets offended, you shouldn’t feel guilty, and in fact should just leave her alone. She’s not respecting your boundaries, and that’s what I think a good friend has to do.
You’re learning an important lesson here on boundaries, and I think you should know that. Not just in the “ooh, let’s get stoned out of our minds” context, but in the simple “where do I need to make it clear that I’ve put my foot down and drawn the line” context. Friends who put you in uncomfortable situations are not friends you need to be around, either. Make the right decision and keep yourself safe. I trust you and your wise instincts.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie