Complicated
Dear Siouxsie,
I’m not sure what to call my relationship with this guy. We’ve hung out a bunch of times, and we interact a lot on Snapchat, Instagram, and text every day. But neither of us has referred to any of our hang-outs as an actual date, and we never introduce the other as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. Are we dating and I haven’t realized? Or is this just a weird thing?
Sincerely,
Complicated
Dear Complicated,
Relationships are, shockingly, complicated, Complicated. No matter what age you are, it’s never a straight shot to a healthy, fulfilling relationship that’s right. I don’t blame you for feeling confused, or wanting to define your relationship with this guy, or just wanting to know what’s going on. Depending on who you are as a partner, and depending on who your boyfriend/friend boy/random guy (???) is, there’s something keeping y’all from defining your relationship clearly. There’s no pressure to define your relationship, but that’s not what you’re asking me- you’re asking me how to define it. So if you do really want to define your relationship, keep reading. But if you’re okay with keeping the edges blurry, that’s okay too, you can close this tab.
For the rest of you: you, Complicated, the curious readers, the nosy readers, and the random people who’re just reading this for no reason- let’s talk about defining relationships. The first rule of relationships (and this goes for all relationships- not just romantic) is to ask yourself the big questions. You can’t go into a difficult subject when you yourself are confused, or haven’t taken the time to do some inner reflection. I’ve talked about this before, and I’m gonna keep talking about it! What do you yourself want from this relationship, and the others to come? What do you value in a significant other, and is your future/current partner going to fulfill that expectation? Do you need some time to yourself, or are you mentally stable enough to do some heavy emotional lifting? When you’ve confronted yourself with the big questions, you need to decide what you want to do next: cut off ties with this guy, or start involving him in this process.
If you’re ready to talk to him about defining the relationship, it’s important to take his feelings into account, but more in the sense of “what’s going on behind the scenes”. He might be uncomfortable with the idea of defining y’all’s relationship, or feel trapped by the idea of a labelled relationship, and I don’t want to sugarcoat it: he might get really uncomfortable when you bring up the idea of labelling your relationship. It’s not your fault at all, in fact you have the right to want to know, but he might be keeping things vague for a reason. Tell him your feelings: you want to keep things undefined, or you want to be dating officially, or whatever conclusion you came to. But pair this with the reassurance that you’re not trying to stress him out, and you respect his feelings. But you don’t need to sacrifice your feelings just to keep talking to him: if he wants to stay undefined, and you want to be serious, don’t keep it undefined just because he’ll get uncomfortable. You deserve to have a relationship you value and genuinely enjoy.
Last summer, I remember hearing about and meeting two people who were in the same boat as you: they were completely unsure of how to define their relationship. They talked a lot, and went on dates, and did a lot of things most couples do, but it never went anywhere. I met them once, and it was one of the most awkward interactions I’ve ever had with human beings. They were completely confused as to what they were to each other, they had very little chemistry, and neither one was willing to openly discuss what the other meant to them. I’m not saying that having an undefined relationship is the key to breaking up, I’m saying that discussing what you mean to each other is incredibly important. Being honest and open about what you value, and what you feel comfortable with is one of the key points to feeling more open and comfortable around anyone, whether they’re your best friend or serious boyfriend.
It’s not an easy thing, sweetheart. I know you’re confused, and I know you’re probably worried you’re either going to get your heart broken, or break someone else’s heart, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s one relationship, and the probability you’re in love is pretty low. And if it does go to shit, it’s okay. You’ll survive whatever happens, and be a better person for it. This is an arts and music blog, so let me talk about music a little: one of my favorite bands ever is The Cure. They have a bunch of songs about feeling lost, or being in love, or just being sad, and I’m going to recommend them to you. One song I think you should listen to is “Close to Me”, and I want you to let the song tell you what to do. Sometimes we all just need to shut up a little and let the music flow through us, and help us think through our problems, and I want The Cure to be the cure for your confusion. Let my puns, and Robert Smith help you. You’ll figure it out, and whatever choice you make, I’m sure it’ll be okay.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie