Afraid Of Mirrors
Dear Siouxsie,
I hate my body. Every time I look in the mirror, I just feel fat. I can barely wear swimsuits, and I even feel fat in a sweatshirt. I hide my body a lot, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to just be okay with how I look. I always see my friends wearing swimsuits and they look really fit and attractive. I also feel like every time I see any picture of literally anyone else, I always notice how proportional and attractive they are, whether they’re plus-size or petite. They just have more proportional bodies, everything seems to look correct. I’m not overweight, neither underweight, but I just feel like my body is disgusting. I never want to wear anything even mildly revealing again, and I wish I could just look normal, whatever that means. What do I do? I hate the way I look, and I feel like nothing can change that.
Sincerely,
Afraid of Mirrors
Dear Afraid of Mirrors,
First of all, there’s no such thing as a perfect body. It’s not attainable. For a long time, I thought that the women I saw in magazines or on Instagram just woke up that way: they kind-of worked out, they ate really healthy, and they just looked perfect in every piece of clothing they picked up. I was wrong. Women who have the “perfect body” usually don’t eat much, get treatments to remove or shape their stomachs, or use FaceTune. Again, I say usually. Some people naturally have very “perfect” bodies and just happen to look that way all the time. These people, I’ve found, are about as rare as cheap, good valet in Los Angeles and when you find them you hate them a little because they just don’t worry about their bodies. So let’s face it: the “perfect” body is nearly impossible to get. The Kardashians have plastic surgery and personal trainers, and that skinny bitch on Instagram hasn’t eaten a full meal in six months.
A few notes about body standards: firstly, many experience body dysmorphia, a literal mental health condition where one obsessively fixates on a self-perceived “flaw” in the way you look. It’s a real condition, and you can seek help through therapy. There are also eating disorders some develop in order to “fix” their body to look perfect, such as bulimia or anorexia. If you’re exercising to an extreme extent, starving yourself, or forcing yourself to throw up in order to lose weight, please contact a professional or reach the National Eating Disorders helpline: call or text (800) 931-2237. Help is available for all.
Secondly, many transgender people experience body dysphoria, body dysmorphia or gender dysphoria. This is a far more specific topic, and is a lot more personal. I want to be sensitive about this subject as well, because I myself am not trans and have never experienced body discomfort through the eyes of someone struggling with their gender identity. I try to speak on my own experiences on this blog, so I can’t speak on this topic. But I still want to acknowledge it, because everyone can struggle with their self-image, for many different reasons, and this is one of them. If you’re struggling with gender identity, there’s a hotline for trans and questioning folks at Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860. Help is available 24/7.
When I read your email, I was struck by how much hate was in your words. Not hate for me, or the people with “perfect” bodies, but for yourself, and your own body. You sounded like you were talking to someone who you truly loathed, with wild abandon. It made me sad. I read your words and I sat down and I thought, “Why do we have to work this way?” Because I know that it’s not your fault that you dislike your body, because so fucking many of us hate the way we look. The hate is overwhelming. It hurts to read, because I’m not even sure what you look like but I’ve read something so raw, so painful, and so furious that it hurt. People who’ve never struggled with body image say shit like, “every body is perfect” or “beauty starts with the inside out” and they don’t realize how useless those words are. Because while yes, they’re right, it’s not going to solve the fact that my stomach looks weird some days, and not the fun kind of weird. And I don’t like my body on those days. I know where you are right now, I know how you feel. In fact, many, many people do.
But I want you to do something: firstly, find a mirror. I know you’re scared of them, but don’t worry, this isn’t about scrutinizing yourself. Look yourself in the eyes. And slap yourself really, really hard. Do it. Because you’re worth more than your stomach, or your tits, or your ass, or your thighs. I know you don’t know what I look like, but imagine me in the mirror, and I’m saying, “You’re worth more than caring about what your body looks like. I don’t give a shit what you say, because I know you and I know that you are wonderful, valued, amazing, and gorgeous, and anything you say otherwise about yourself is bullshit. Nobody’s perfect, but you’re pretty fucking close.” In order to get up in the morning, walk, move your body, you have to eat. And so when you skip that meal, or you stop before you’re full, you’re depriving your body of something it desperately needs. Those girls who have a “good” body spent a fucking ton of time thinking about how they look and how they can look better. They might act like they just happen to have the “perfect” body, but in reality it kind of consumes them.
Cheryl Strayed, who was one of the main inspirations for this advice column, said, “Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, sometimes you’re a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this.” Genuinely, truly, honestly, who the fuck cares about whether or not your stomach is a little misshapen? Has anyone ever commented on your body? If they have, I’d either ignore them or just look at them and tell them that you flat-out don’t give a shit. Trust me, confidence is extremely hard to have, but I think the first step is believing in yourself. I’m not saying that I feel comfortable with my body all the time (who the hell is ?), but I started liking the way I looked a lot more when I started actually believing that I had a good-ish body. I use it to do amazing things: walking, hiking, running, jumping, swimming- I can do practically whatever I put my mind to, because I have a body. Be grateful for what you can do with your limbs, not torturing yourself for the way it completes basic human functions like eating food, breathing, and running.
You’re not disgusting, Afraid of Mirrors. Very few people are. If a friend said, “My body is disgusting,” would you reply, “Yeah, you’re fat”? Of course not. Or maybe you’re a shitty friend. What I’m saying is you should try talking to yourself a lot kinder. Ignore the nasty voice in your head, and try to focus on what you’d say to someone you love saying these horrible things about themself. I know where you’re at right now. It’s a dark and lonely place. But I’m right here next to you, and I want you to know that you’re never truly alone.
Love and kisses,
Siouxsie
P.S. Go ahead and email me at desperatelyseekingsomeadvice@gmail.com . I’ll be quick to respond in the upcoming week!